Manipulation gets a bad rap. It's not always a bad thing. Sometimes manipulation can change a situation that might be headed in a harmful direction into a healing one. For example, Sarah, a teenager, is getting ready to go on her first date. She comes down the stairs and asks her parents if she looks OK. She is nervous, unsure of her appearance and could easily collapse into shame. … [Read more...]
Show your fear, not your anger
It's okay to say you're afraid. Using the language of fear -- and not anger -- can promote intimacy and preserve love. Remember when you saw your child bolt down the pathway heading straight for the road and you yelled out in anger? Or when your spouse accidentally knocked over the saucepan of hot water and you angrily blamed him for being clumsy? Our nervous system reacts in a few simple … [Read more...]
Flirting with disaster: emotional affairs
What's all the fuss about? Emotional affairs can begin quite innocently ... supposedly. A cup of coffee in the break room with a co-worker, a few intimate exchanges with a friend's wife or a student or neighbor -- all seemingly harmless, right? What if these exchanges increase little by little, and the next thing you know the context becomes more intimate. For example, you begin to share … [Read more...]
It’s better to receive, sometimes
We frequently are reminded of the need "to give" in our lives. Giving makes us feel better, more worthy, more noble. Heart-warming morality tales such as "The Giving Tree" and "A Christmas Carol" remind us of the transformations we can go experience when opening our hearts and thinking of others -- instead of, "So what's in it for me?" These sentiments go a long way toward developing our … [Read more...]
‘Shame rage’ and the Death of Love
One of the more defining dynamics that can cause the Death of Love is what's called the shame-rage cycle. One partner shames the other by way of critical, abusive remarks and the other responds with defensive rage in an attempt to protect herself or himself from verbal or emotional assault. Once this point-counterpoint cycle begins, one or both partners are likely to resort to some kind of … [Read more...]