What has occupied so much of my professional life is a form of suffering that remains remarkably easy to overlook: the emotional and psychological suffering of children behind closed doors, across cultures, races, religions and socioeconomic circumstances — not only in the past, but in everyday life. Children suffer when they are not emotionally “seen,” protected, understood and held. Many of us experienced some version of this shortcoming within our own families. Those of us who became parents must also have the courage to consider how we … ( More )
Stop protecting the wounds of the past
Among the buzzwords in psychology these days is the word “trigger.” We hear it everywhere. People say, “That triggered me,” or “I felt really triggered by what happened.” And in therapy, when a client … ( More )
Building the ‘relational home’
I have written at length over the years about the concept of a “relational home” within the dimension of psychotherapy. Why this term is relevant why it and matters. While the idea of a relational home … ( More )
Parenting: When it’s time to loosen the grip
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give … ( More )
The good news about ‘good enough’
What if there were no epiphanies! What if healing were a slow, steady little train. What if this slow, steady journey to mental health proved good enough. British pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the … ( More )
‘Feel the guilt and do it anyway’
I was torn between my excitement over attending an event for which I already had tickets and my friends' desire to have me along on a long weekend trip. Certainly, it was a dilemma. I wanted to go along with … ( More )
Communication
The Beatles, psychologists of rock
Humming along to "Eleanor Rigby," I began listening more acutely to the astounding lyrics of this Beatles song from 1966. How profoundly insightful their … ( More )
The second wave of communication
During the Civil War, soldiers flanked tightly in a line would march toward the enemy on the battlefield. Inevitably, so many would fall down -- dead or … ( More )
The leading edge and the trailing edge
Here are some affirmations to manage the toxicity of shame. And steps toward effective communications in loving enduring relationships. 1. I remind … ( More )
Healing
The case for human therapists
A recent Los Angeles Times article’s headline boldly stated, “AI therapy isn’t getting better. Therapists are just failing.” A warning shot for … ( More )
When psychotherapy ends …
Our time is up. Both parties knew that on this particular day, this moment was coming. And now having arrived, it is all about a goodbye that requires … ( More )
Relationships
To forgive or not forgive
Forgiveness. One of humanity’s oldest and most complex virtues has stirred hearts and minds across centuries. The earliest preserved story of … ( More )
The golden years … for sex
As the years go by, don’t let sexual contact and the resulting connection disappear from your relationship. They remain vital. Older couples often get … ( More )
Couples intensive therapy: risks and rewards
Couples intensive therapy is for the courageous. For those who admit they've done all they can do on their own. It’s a brave, bold step for both parties … ( More )
Children
Wrangling the birds and the bees
Much has changed since the days of the good-old-fashioned "talk" about the birds and the bees.Youngsters still come to The Talk knowing the basics. That … ( More )
Mothers and teen sons: Finding a way
One of the toughest aspects of parenthood is dealing with the anger, rage and withdrawal that teenage boys direct toward their mothers. These turbulent … ( More )