I was torn between my excitement over attending an event for which I already had tickets and my friends’ desire to have me along on a long weekend trip. Certainly, it was a dilemma.
I wanted to go along with the group but I had been waiting for my event to come into town for quite some time. The choice to stay with my plans was not an easy one.
I tuned to my mentor and I remember his words to his day: He said, “Feel the guilt and do it anyway.”
It was a seminal moment because I didn’t want to let down my friends. Yet despite the conflict and anxiety, I didn’t succumb to the pressure being hailed on me.
My friends’ pleas became enhanced with passive-aggressive criticism emphasizing the impact of “their loss” — the implication being that in some way I would be responsible for the party of travelers having a less than enjoyable time. That was not easy to hear!
On the one hand I was flattered and appreciated their persistence. The focus on their loss failed to include an understanding that my other plan been made several months in advance. Everything from the reductionism of mine was a “one afternoon”’ event to “it’s just a concert” to “they are not even that good.” All this hurled at my defenses, presumably to muster just enough guilt for my decision to be reversed.
As difficult as this was, I decided to stick to my guns and attend my event.
I experienced a good deal of anxiety prior to solidifying my decision. I cared for my friends, we were close, and I ran the risk of them pulling away or disconnecting in some way if I did not bend to their wishes.
I learned an important lesson. Much of my fears and anxieties came from the depth of family systemic rules and requirements. Meaning one should behave and be in a way that met the approval of others within the home environment. This is the case with so many who struggle with choosing themselves at key moments in their lives.
So often there are consequences for individuation (behaviors and values that develop over time as separate from childhood conditioning by parents and other family members). A forging of values created by an ability to be free to reflect on growing development and shaping a sense of self. Choosing how I wanted to be in the world.
Often this comes at a price. Sometimes forms of abandonment, including emotional disconnection from family members. It’s a painful consequence of seeking to expand one’s sense of self.
When guilt or shame is used to pressure the prioritizing of others over yourself, do remember my mentor’s words of “feel the guilt and do it anyway.”
The path of individuation proves courageous, difficult … and exciting. It requires a good deal of slowing down, noticing conflicting internal messages, taking time to hear what is really being asked of you, or what is really being said.
A way to identify authenticity is if your needs or wants are being considered and mentioned within the spirit of collaboration. When an individual’s wants are held as values while the wishes of others are also shared and considered, there remains a better chance of a healthier outcome for all parties.
Pressure to succumb to the wants of others is fraught with anxiety and anticipatory loss. When mutual needs and wants can be negotiated with care, the concept of feel the guilt and do it anyway has less chance of dominating or threatening the foundation of what may otherwise a solid and valuable relationship.
AI illustration: Nano Banana