We often think that saying "I'm sorry" is an admission of being flawed or weak. After hurting another person, we feel bad but still resist saying those two words -- usually for fear of feeling shame or humiliation. Or for fear we're lowering ourselves. Instead, we hear ourselves saying words like "I apologize" or "I didn't mean to hurt or upset you" -- anything but "I am sorry." Something … [Read more...]
Fighting fair and protecting yourself: a guide
Here are my Rules of Fair Fighting: 1. When involved in an argument, speak about yourself, your experience, your feelings. Use language such as, "I felt angry" or "I felt sad" or "That caused me pain." Avoid: "You were an idiot" and "You made me mad!" Only the behavior of the other person caused you to feel a feeling. But whatever you felt was unique to you; the other person probably felt … [Read more...]
In defense of being ‘touchy feely’
The whole notion of people being too "touchy feely" is just a bad rap. Tough-love books such as "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee" have their place … up to a point. The truth, however, is that most of us rarely if ever truly express a true feeling. We tend to skirt around the subject. If you ask an adult how they felt about being passed over for a job, or being dumped by a boyfriend, … [Read more...]
The mystery of you: Help your lover solve it
How many times do we refuse to ask for help from our life partners -- or not tell them how we feel about something -- because "they should already know." How many times have you heard yourself or someone else say: "If he (or she) really loved me, they would already know how I feel about this problem." Sorry to break the bad news: This is simply not true. Perhaps in a perfect world we might … [Read more...]
Domino effect: Your behaviors, their feelings
I am not responsible for how you feel -- but I need to understand that my behavior may impact you. How often have you said to someone, "You know you made me feel bad," or, "You made me mad,” placing the responsibility on that person for how we feel. No one actually makes us feel anything, but another person's behavior certainly can impact us. Those actions bring up emotions, and they won't … [Read more...]