How often are small kindnesses extended without a second thought, simply an automatic gesture between human beings, just because. … Probably millions of time daily around the world.
What a wonderful image this suggests. People offering help, care, love and consideration. Society values and rewards such gestures.
Studies have shown time and again how gestures of kindness and consideration toward another person do wonders for our immune systems, our sense of well-being and overall happiness.
Giving is separate from the act of receiving, of course, and sometimes receiving brings up uncomfortable feelings in an environment that warns that vulnerability is more a weakness than a strength.
Gratitude requires vulnerability toward another. A bond of needing or sharing with one another in a common experience. A beautiful coming together of an awareness of interdependency serving to eliminate painful isolation, celebrating the power of relational connectedness.
Yet, for some, expressing appreciation brings feelings of shame or inadequacy. This stems from conditioning that being in need reflects a lack of competence or other weaknesses. This distorted messaging is typically embedded in early life.
Working through these mixed messages presents an interesting conundrum. Are independency or dependency to be valued equally? How are these messages integrated in a society that places a high value on independency?
At its root is the dynamic of being vulnerable to another. To being open to receiving everything from a compliment, a welcome baked good from a neighbor when arriving in a new part of town, to helping a person cross the road or opening a door — or in more severe circumstances, opening a home for shelter during a catastrophic storm. The breadth and depth of giving stretches far and wide.
Yet some givings may be considered acceptable while others … not so much.
These are nuanced gestures experienced differently by millions. Culture, beliefs, childhood rearing and more all come into play. While the idea of giving is generally accepted as high value, sometimes contextually it may be prudent to consider the source before stepping into such “natural” territory.
While gestures of kindness are generally accepted freely, it may be prudent to note that some gestures of giving may be refuted or rejected. While this may be painful or confusing (when innocent offerings to support, connect and be a good citizen are often primary intentions), some people simply may be unable to accept gifts or to express gratitude. For a host of reasons.
In the poignant movie “Gran Torino,” an aging Korean War veteran played by Clint Eastwood sits on his porch each day and complains about his Asian immigrant neighbors, their noise, their yard, a host of issues. One day one of the boys gets set up by a gang to steal the old man’s beloved vintage Ford Torino and fails.
The teen’s family is shamed by the attempted theft and ask the neighbor if the boy can work off his sin by by doing odd jobs or helping work in the yard. At first the Eastwood character firmly states emphatically “no way,” but in time he sees the boy is susceptible to having been bullied and allows him to come and work off his karmic debt.
The family, thrilled and full of gratitude at his gesture of kindness, each day brings offerings of food, beverages, flowers and more.
The old veteran is horrified; the last thing he wants is more “things.” All he ever wanted was to be left alone. Now his home has been invaded by this family’s desire to express gratitude with such extensive offerings.
This example in which gratitude initially backfires is the result of a bitter man who, when more is revealed, has experienced a massive loss of his wife, and has no tools with which to grieve. He is part of a generation that learned to simply get on with life, and withdrew into his private world. And then is suddenly thrust into interaction with a loving, caring family.
An interesting conundrum in such a movie, and one worthy of attention for its nuanced representation of how gratitude well-meant can be misunderstood when rejected.
Awareness of others’ contextual pain (due to unprocessed personal losses) and how vulnerability is viewed sometimes with disdain, might help minimize judgment or confusion.
In such instances, focusing on the giving may be sufficient while appreciating that sometimes receptivity takes time.