Some days, it feels like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived. But wait! Just who are these unwelcome and mysterious figures?
The Four Horsemen originally documented in the book of Revelation represented the “end of days.” They were Death, Famine, War and Conquest.
Setting aside the literal end-of-days scenario, what if we consider that we carry within us similar archetypal figures, who rattle around in our psyches, fueling terror and wreaking havoc with our emotional stability. These are not the four concrete terrifying figures cited in the Bible. These Four Horsemen are extreme states of mind. The more we get to know them, little by little we have more control over them.
Dr. John Gottman, a pioneer in predicting success or failure in relationships, refers to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as four types of specific harmful behaviors. These can be powerful predictors of a relationship breakup.
Gottman’s horsemen are Criticism, Attacking, Contempt and Stonewalling. Of all the Four Horsemen, he says, the clearest predictor of divorce is that of Contempt.
So what does contempt look like?
Gottman had an ingenious task for couple to perform in his behavioral lab in Seattle. It’s billed as being able to determine within 15 minutes if a marriage or partnership is going to work long term.
The task was simple in its execution. Couples were given a large box of Legos and asked to build a house together.
Gottman wanted to see how collaborative the couples were, how well they shared the task. How amenable, how humorous, how generous. How they got along when challenged. These were seen as early predictors of how a couple would treat one another over time.
Some not only criticized their partner but went deeper with contemptuous and demeaning comments. Individuals in these relationships often revealed low self-worth, which manifested in projecting insecurities onto the partner. Thus, a deeper level of self-loathing was introduced into the relationship. Criticism was hasher, more unforgiving and more tenacious with the “contempt” couples. They were headed down a dangerous, doom-laden path.
Conversely, displays of collaboration, nurturance and mutual enjoyment were seen as early and strong predictors of successful sustained partnerships.
What if you developed more mindful awareness of your internal Four Horsemen? See if you tend to deploy any of them in your everyday relationships. Take control of the part of you that disconnects at times with critical comments. So that even when bad things are happening, instead of being self-critical or prone to attacking, blaming, shaming or shutting down, take a moment. Tell yourself that your Four Horsemen will not hold such sway over you and your most important relationships on this day.
Perhaps attribute to each of them four colors for four beautiful smelling roses.
A red rose to counter criticism, a yellow one to halt attacks, an orange rose to soften the temptation for contempt (replace with compassion), and finally a deep pink rose, to lure you from withdrawal.
Breathe, tame your Four Horsemen, and enjoy the effective change.