I am not responsible for how you feel — but I need to understand that my behavior may impact you.
How often have you said to someone, “You know you made me feel bad,” or, “You made me mad,” placing the responsibility on that person for how we feel.
No one actually makes us feel anything, but another person’s behavior certainly can impact us. Those actions bring up emotions, and they won’t be the same for everyone. A type of behavior may bring anger for one person but fear for another — perhaps sadness for someone else.
This doesn’t mean some people respond better and some do worse, just that we all are impacted differently by experiences and behaviors. Not all the time, but some of the time.
It’s important to be aware our behaviors do impact one another, because this is the path to true intimacy. If we didn’t recognize this dynamic it would impossible to experience real closeness, real connectivity.
For example :
I am late for dinner with my husband. He tells me as I arrive that he was beginning to feel afraid that something might have happened to me. Clearly he was impacted by my behavior (running late for dinner). I tell him he shouldn’t feel scared; he should trust me and know that I’m not going to let anything happen to me.
In this example I am denying my husband’s right to express his feeling of being scared. Also, I am also denying that my behavior has impacted him.
What I needed to do was show empathy for his fear. To say something like I was sorry he felt afraid, that must have been difficult for him. That way I would be permitting my husband to have his feelings without my taking responsibility for them. Instead, I allow him to express them because they were his feelings and clearly he was affected by my actions.
I had a responsibility to want to hear about how he was impacted by my behavior — and to care about that.
Let your loved ones and friends express their feelings — as long as they are with “I” statements and not “You” statements. You’ll find closeness and intimacy begin to flow more easily.
Next time someone says you’ve made them feel bad, remember this means your behavior has impacted them. You have not necessarily made them feel this way, but it’s important to let that person know you care.
Image: Sam LeVan