Around the globe, millions witnessed what appeared to be a case of unresolved childhood trauma. A comedian slights an actor’s family member and — in the blink of an eye — shame, rage and guilt erupt. Violence ensues.
The trance-like state that bound Will Smith in that moment at the Oscars spoke of decades of complex emotions and unconscious thoughts. All landing in one destructive action. Followed by a repetitive sentence: “Keep my wife’s name out of your … mouth,” the man sounding historical and helpless.
Perhaps in that moment the child within the actor erupted with rage. A history of powerless pain and shame. Violence, the adult Smith may have believed, was his only choice.
In his biography, “Will,” Smith tells of being 9 and watching his father “punch my mother in the side of the head so hard that she collapsed.” “I saw her spit blood,” he wrote. “That moment … probably more than any other moment in my life, has defined who I am.”
Why did Smith do what could be long-term damage to a hard-earned career? Perhaps because the pain of his childhood may have remained unintentionally neglected by the adult Smith and his loved ones — emotions that were unseen, ignored or annihilated.
Much has been written about the ongoing impact of childhood trauma, in particular how negative experiences stored in the unconscious weave their ways insidiously into adult life. Sigmund Freud believed that events in our childhoods have a great influence on our adult lives, shaping our personalities. Alice Miller revealed powerful insights regarding unresolved childhood trauma in her book “The Untouched Key.” David Winnicott speaks of trauma states that “have laid for decades in cold storage or a crystal palace.”
Yet how much is truly owned, recognized or understood regarding these connections from the past — commonly experienced in the present as “triggers”? Very little, it appears. Most lay people are in the dark regarding these connections.
Triggers are in essence the result of negative events usually experienced during childhood. In adults, they produce painful feelings and negative thoughts, all connected with this history. Prereflectively reactive behaviors can result in a split second. Regretful words, physical violence, withdrawals and other extreme reactions impair not only the one being triggered but also the recipients of this negativity.
Everyone to greater or lesser degrees has experienced trauma. Life is partly about its losses. If loss is not incorporated within our family systems as something to be empathized with — held with understanding and compassion — then vulnerable feelings become shamed, isolated and deemed unacceptable.
Herein lies danger, for pain in isolation begets extreme thoughts and extreme behaviors.
A way forward
Facing the pain of our past histories is not for the faint-hearted. Much grief and sadness results. Yet the ability to release and share grief has proven to be both liberating and healing.
Part of psychotherapeutic healing from trauma may include the introduction of steady and powerful new methods. These include mindfulness, meditation and reframing thoughts. Learning the importance of taking a pause in the white-hot moment; to retreat from the undertow of such powerful feelings and breathe — instead, to feel understandable feelings and to think rationally.
In stepping back, we are reminded of other choices, other options.
Others’ harsh or impatient tones are not related to your value. Separate others’ communication difficulties from your inherent worth. When self-compassion is present, the need to inflict immediate harm or be reactively defensive shifts. A wealth of other options are available, including use of effective language, expressing vulnerable feelings with those you trust, and setting boundaries in healthful ways.
Breaking legacies of intergenerational trauma that can manifest in negative behaviors is a hard but necessary commitment. It’s hard to predict where the challenges will come from. With conscious awareness, humility and compassion for what is being overcome and eliminated — for ourselves and generations to come — the result is well worth the journey of 1,000 miles.
Remember, choices not afforded in childhood are present now. By using effective tools and communicative relational methods, a life of ease, greater peace and self-compassion is possible flowing first within, then without.
— Illustration by Monk