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My new book
The language of labels: Return to sender
How many times have we said or heard comments such as: “How stupid she is” or “What a moron” or “You’re an idiot.”
Do you ever stop to think that might be verbal assault?
Does it really feel good when you express yourself that way? It certainly doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of such verbal abuse.
These forms of expression are in truth are cowardly and lazy. They’re ways of avoiding the expression of true feelings — and the risk of truly making a connection with someone. In those moments, you are devalued, and so is the other person.
Instead of calling someone an idiot, what about saying: “I am angry because you did so and so.” And then something like: “What I wanted was for you to remember my birthday without being reminded. I feel sad because I fear I may not be important to you.”
The famous philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once said that when you label me you annihilate me. Remember, we are all so much more than labels.
Laughter makes good things happen
In our ever-demanding world of work and achievement, it is so important to carve out time for fun.
Fun? Yes! If you’re not having fun, take some time to figure out why.
Life gets pretty overwhelming, as we all know, not to mention serious. Take regular breaks from stress and worry — just let your inner child out for a good old time. I don’t mean getting high or drunk. I mean some good old-fashioned fun.
When was the last time you laughed until your sides split? If you don’t remember, find something to do that might make that happen. Laughter is good for the soul … it’s good for the immune system … and it’s good for you and those around you!
Some hospitals around the country have laugh therapy for kids. They bring in clowns, musicians and comedians to help the children laugh and crack up a bit. This helps boost the kids’ immune systems, elevates their general sense of well-being, and expedites the healing process.
Here are some ways to create a fun atmosphere:
- Go out and buy the game of TWISTER and throw yourself into some contorted positions , with your friends guaranteed to crack a smile or two.
- Invite some friends over and play charades. Pick some odd-sounding book or movie titles to act out, the more obscure the greater the chance of a good laugh.
- Brush up on some jokes and tell them to your friends. If you are not much of a joke teller tell them anyway — if you’re bad at jokes it’s sometimes funnier that way.
- Sit and just laugh out loud. Hold your belly and just laugh, like ‘ha, ha , ha ha ha’ — the more you laugh, the more your system will open up. This can help with low-grade feelings of tiredness and depression.
- Rent a great comedy movie. How about “The Pink Panther” series (with Peter Sellers), the Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy, Jerry Lewis or Monty Python. All of these antics will generate a good laugh.
- Volunteer at a local hospital, dress up as a clown and go cheer up the children. Sometimes helping others laugh will bring a sense of wellness to you, too.
Out of the past: road rage
Ever wondered why bad drivers get you so worked up?
Ever consider that you’re not really mad, but scared? Afraid that someone’s careless driving could injure you, even take your life? We all go from zero to 100 in a split second when we feel our lives are endangered on the road.
It’s understandable that drivers react to this needless peril in a dramatic fashion — but where does all that rage really come from?
Most likely from a lifetime of being unseen, unheard and unrecognized in the way that you’ve longed for. Perhaps since birth.
Now here you are on the highway calling up all that repressed anger and directing it toward one crazy, clueless or thoughtless motorist. That bad driver is the scapegoat for your many years of unexpressed anger and hurt.
Being angry and scared in the face of someone else’s dangerous driving is a natural reaction, but if rage is overtaking you, it’s time to take a closer look. Quite possibly your past is catching up with you.
View your road rage as an opportunity to get into therapy or visit a trusted professional. Grieve those losses and those hurts in an appropriate setting.
Getting a handle on road rage could save your life and the lives of others.
(Believe it or not, there is such a thing as “gym rage.” Same principles apply.)
‘I can see how you would feel that way’
How often do we really listen to the ones we love? And when we do, why are we so ready to defend and justify our behaviors that our loved ones say are harmful?
What if just for a moment, we take that essential beat and then turn to healing thoughts such as these:
- If this person didn’t care about me he would not be hurt by me.
- I impact this person, therefore I must matter a lot to her.
- He needs me to care about his feelings. He wants to connect with me.
- She has expressed her pain because she cares about me.
- I matter to him, therefore he matters to me.
- I love this person and I can now hear her pain because I have given myself this perspective: Not only is this person important to me, but I see just how important I am to her.
- I have been afraid that I am not important — not worth loving — and so I have conditioned myself to be emotionally closed. In doing so I not only rob myself of being truly loved, but also of the healthful act of letting someone love me.
- By allowing the ones I care about to express their pain, anger and loss, I now realize that I am needed, I am wanted, I am loved.
- I can bear so much more with this new awareness.
10 ways to beat panic attacks
1. Remember that although your feelings and symptoms can be very frightening, they are not dangerous or harmful.
2. Understand that what you are experiencing is an exaggeration of your normal bodily reactions to stress.
3. Do not fight your feelings or try to wish them away. The more you face your fears, the less intense they will become.
4. Do not add to your panic by thinking about what “might” happen. If you find yourself thinking, “What if?” then try telling yourself, “So what!”
5. Stay in the present. Notice what is really happening to you, compared to what you think “might” happen.
6. Label your fear level from 0-10 and watch it go up and down. Notice that the fear level does not stay high for long.
7. When you find yourself thinking about fear, change your primary thought. Focus on a simple manageable task and carry it out.
8. Notice that when you stop adding frightening thoughts, your fear begins to fade.
9. When the fear comes, accept it. Wait. Don’t run away. Give it time to pass. Learn to expect it.
10. Once you’ve applied some of these concepts, be proud of yourself for the progress you’ve made. Think about how good it will feel when you succeed in taming your panic and fear.
Types of phobias:
- Fear of death or severe pain
- Fear of losing control
- Fear of restraint, or confinement
- Fear of being abandoned
- Fear of the strange or unknown.
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The subtle art of manipulation
Manipulation gets a bad rap. It’s not always a bad thing.
Sometimes manipulation can change a situation that might be headed in a harmful direction into a healing one.
For example, Sarah, a teenager, is getting ready to go on her first date. She comes down the stairs and asks her parents if she looks OK. She is nervous, unsure of her appearance and could easily collapse into shame.
Sarah’s father and mother at first stare at their child wide-eyed as they notice the length of her skirt and the height of her heels. They want to blurt out, “Good Lord, you look like a call girl! Get upstairs and change right this minute.”
Instead, mom taps dad’s leg under the table, indicating she’ll handle this one.
Mom takes that essential beat, pauses and smiles. She remembers herself as a teenager, insecure and fearful of being rejected. She says to her child in a loving tone, “Honey, you look beautiful; can I make one suggestion?”
Her eager child, seeking approval and fearful of rejection, is receptive to her mother, who has not judged her negatively.
“Sure, Mom,” Sarah replies.
Using the art of manipulation, her mother says, “I like that skirt, but you know the blue one with the plaid print you just bought a couple of weeks ago? Well it matches those shoes just great. Had you thought of that?” It’s also a longer, tailored plaid skirt.)
The daughter looks down and notices the mismatch without shame. Grateful for the loving suggestion she goes back upstairs and changes, feeling both loved and supported. Sarah has a healthy sense of pride within.
Manipulation? You bettcha. Was it a bad thing? No way.
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CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio for both adults and children.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store