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‘Sometimes’ a great notion
How often we say the words “always” and “never” when we speak about events or experiences with people in our lives. Quite a lot, right?
How many times have you heard someone blurt out, “I will never speak to (this or that person) again,” or, “I’ll never go to (this or that) restaurant again.”
Or, “I always go here every year for a vacation,” or, “I always get my coffee every morning at this cafe. That’s my regular haunt.”
In lives filled with uncertainties, it’s understandable that we cling to our “always” and “never” statements. We are unconsciously seeking guarantees — some security in an unpredictable world. A sense of control over our lives.
But what might it feel like to step out of the “always and never” language just a little, by introducing the word “sometimes.”
Living our daily lives with the word “sometimes” in our emotional vocabulary lets us relax our need for certainty. It takes the pressure off us more than we realize.
In the world of “always” and “never” we’re prone to feeling let down. Experiencing a sense of loss when the outside world fails to measure up. Sometimes, our need for “always” leads to pain and depression.
Incorporating new language into our lives often requires risk, especially if you are one of the “always” and never-inclined people. This requires facing the reality that life is fallible, life is uncertain. There is, however, an upside to this.
Good and wonderful things can and do happen. Life is not always bad; not always good — sometimes it’s a bit of both.
An example of challenging the “always” position was beautifully expressed to me by a friend who told me a few years ago that she “never” went out for New Year’s Eve as she preferred to watch the celebrations from the comfort of home.
One particular New Year’s Eve she, reluctantly, was persuaded by her daughter to join her in watching the ball drop in Times Square. Her daughter’s boyfriend came along and unexpectedly brought his father. When my friend and the dad met, a whole new and different type of celebration began — the start of what would later become wedding bells.
Needless to say, my friend’s philosophy of “never” going out on New Year’s Eve became the catalyst for changing her view of the “always” and “never” in life.
Taking the need for perceived certainty out of our lives offers us the chance to live with more spontaneity, flexibility and creativity. To live a life with greater curiosity. A life infused with the desire to discover more, in which the acquisition of knowledge has no finite end and experiences lead to other experiences.
Of course there are things in life of which we must be certain. Clocks, for example. But there are times when living in the world of “sometimes” brings relief, rewards and a greater sense of happiness — in the most delightful and unexpected ways.
When the Artist becomes a healer
Creativity lies within all of us.
When we’re sad, depressed or anxious, the “Artist” that is part of who we are can come to our assistance. Sometimes in the smallest ways; sometimes in a grand fashion.
However the Artist enters your life, try to heed the call and work with that energy.
In 1889, the great Dutch painter Van Gogh found himself in a mental asylum and suffered greatly with the pain of this experience. From the Saint-Paul Asylum, Van Gogh wrote many letters to his brother Theo. That was a way for the painter to express his feelings, frustrations and confusion.
Van Gogh also wrote Theo about how painting helped him calm his psyche. He said he had drawn over one hundred cabbages in pencil on paper, and was “now feeling much calmer.”
Every one of us has the gift of artistry in myriad ways. Perhaps it’s painting or drawing or cooking. Making jewelry or clothes; building furniture or arranging flowers.
Perhaps that creativity surfaces in ways that may not even be recognized as an art form. Much of what we do in our daily lives is more artistic than we ever realize.
On that note, I would like to personally take a moment to let the readers into the art form that i have engaged in since a child: writing music.
Over the decades, as my love of psychology grew, I worked on translating some of life’s challenges into a modern adaptation of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.”
My version is called “Bob Cratchit and Mr. Tightwad.” The musical ran throughout the 2011 holiday season at Secret Rose Theatre in the Noho Arts District of Los Angeles. The cast and audiences were wonderful, with many performances sold out in advance.
I’m like to share a couple of the video clips and songs that are part of the show:
Giving thanks … for being thankful
The practice of gratitude and appreciation reduces stress and aggression, new studies show.
This makes sense: Allowing ourselves to be thankful for what we have places the focus on the importance of our existence and our inherent worth.
Being thankful also connects us to one another, because gratitude is often directed to the people in our lives who have affected us in positive ways. Perhaps those who have helped us grow and mature in directions that would not have been possible without the experience of someone or something else.
There are, however, people who’ll read this blog post and say to themselves that they have no room for being or feeling grateful. Perhaps they have been deeply let down or hurt, or incurred a catastrophic loss or injury.
For the rest of us, this is the moment to offer understanding and compassion to those who struggle with this sentiment. To acknowledge that it is reasonable and understandable to not “feel grateful” in those times when painful experiences are nearly unbearable.
Perhaps those in pain will later look back in gratitude that pressure to “be” a certain way was not imposed on them at difficult times in their lives.
The calm that comes with taking moments to let appreciation and gratitude enter our lives can be immensely satisfying and protective of our immune systems.
In turn, we are often able to share the warmth of these feelings — which may by osmosis help another in ways that are not easy to put into words.
May deeper levels of peace and tranquility enter your lives through this simple practice and awareness, and serve, sustain and protect as the years go by.
The Day of the Dead: Come celebrate
The Day of the Dead is just that — a holiday on which deceased family and friends are remembered and celebrated. In Mexico, “Día de los Muertos” is taken so seriously that it ranks as a national holiday.
Nothing creepy about the Day of the Dead, even though it occurs right after Halloween. Friendly sugar skulls and bright yellow marigolds play a big part in this celebration of life.
The origins of this holiday go as far back as Aztec times. The celebration begins Nov. 1 (the Catholic All Saints Day) and concludes with the Day of the Dead on Nov. 2 (the Catholic All Souls Day). The first day is dedicated to the souls of deceased children; the second to the adults.
Families gather in graveyards to pray and build colorful altars. Traditional foods such as mucbil chicken (pibs) are prepared. Before the meal, the food must first be placed on the altar. In this way, the living welcome the dead to the party. “The path of the soul through the essence of food,” it’s said in the Yucatan.
What seems special and beautiful is the honoring of souls who’ve departed from this life as we know it. The reverence for our ancestors brings families and friends together to offer prayers for the departed.
What makes these celebrations unique is the happiness that abounds. The passage from one existence to another is both a sacred and natural part of life, a transformation to be greeted without fear. So often death is depicted as a dark and somber event in which grief is the only acceptable response.
The Day of the Dead expands cultural norms to embrace not only grieving, which is essential for healing, but also the passage of time. The crossover of the deceased is to be met with hope and the knowledge that life goes on … and that there is more to our life than we can ever comprehend.
These celebrations are traditional in many cultures, particularly in Spain, Mexico and other Latin cultures, but they also occur in Asia, Africa and some parts of Europe.
So if you’ve never experienced one of these wonderful celebrations, why not step out into something new and experience the Day of the Dead. You just might learn something, enjoy good things to eat and have lots of fun!
Being creative with your inner child
Staying connected to our inner child — or as Carl Jung would say, our ‘eternal child’ — provides an expansion of who we are both emotionally and creatively.
There are great rewards in preserving the rights of the little one within us. By treating ourselves with kindness and compassion — providing gentle and steady encouragement — our psyches are more inclined to maintain a sense of wonder about the world, as well as an interest in those around us.
Staying connected to the inner child also helps fuel our creative endeavors. Often in life there is tendency to shame our inner child for not being smart enough, good enough, quick enough. On reflection, we find that these harsh, negative comments only serve to bring fear and insecurity to the child within.
When you next find yourself in that negative space, imagine taking your inner child by the hand. Gently coaxing him or her with steady reassurance. Normalizing those emotions with understanding and kindness. Your internal experience now shifts from a fearful paralysis into a safe, warm and creative place — providing fertile ground for creative connections.
* * * * *
This fall, I’m bringing my inner child along on a creative adventure. My musical “Bob Cratchit and Mr. Tightwad” premieres this December in Los Angeles. It’s a new twist on Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.”
I did the adaptation, composed the music and wrote the lyrics. A wonderful cast and creative team are helping bring “Bob Cratchit” to life.
If you’re in Southern California, please join us at the Secret Rose Theatre (NoHo) beginning Dec. 8. Read more about this fun holiday musical. And follow our L.A. holiday show on Twitter.
Check back, I’ll be streaming a little of the music on the psychotherapy blog for readers and their inner children to enjoy!
What is it about Rusty, Fido and Mimi?
We all love our cats and dogs and pets of all shapes, sizes and breeds. We are a nation of pet lovers, and for good reason.
Studies show pets improve our wellness and mood. They offer relief from depression and isolation, thus strengthening our immune systems. No wonder we love our pets. But there is more to this story than meets the eye.
In many ways, our animals are extensions of ourselves. You know the saying “people look like their dogs.” So often humans share the personalities of their pets.
In the Disney classic “One Hundred and One Dalmatians,” there’s a great scene in which the pooches Pongo and Perdita notice one another in the park for the first time — and their owners show up, behaving just like their dogs.
It’s possible that we chose our pets as a representation of parts of ourselves that we seek to understand or to integrate in a more complete way.
What of a female cat who refuses to come out from behind the sofa. No surprise that owner suffers from social phobia.
Or the boxer dog who tries to take over the house by refusing to allow visitors to sit anywhere before he’s found a seat. The owner has difficulty sharing.
What of the vulnerable young girl who insists that her new pet bird sit on her shoulder wherever she goes. The girl feels a bit more confident facing the world, no longer alone but with her gentle and loving companion.
So many of our choices in life reflect the parts of ourselves that we seek to strengthen or integrate.
What becomes important is that we’re conscious of our these choices, so that our pets do not become the carriers of our unconscious selves. Instead, they’re free to coexist side-by-side — supporting us, and being supported, in loving mindfulness and awareness.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio. My new website, Cozy Children, is the place for children's audio stories.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store