My new book
Don’t keep your creativity bottled up
Just how well do you know the genie that lies within you?
So many of us haven’t even begun to explore the wealth of creativity inside us, that’s kept bottled up like a genie. Often it’s because we are afraid to experience shame if we fail at something new — so why try at all? This is such a harsh message we give ourselves. Be a little kinder, a little more encouraging to your inner self.
Do you think it’s always the other person who has the talent, the genius?
Try this approach.
Close your eyes and think about something you wish you could do, something that has always attracted you. Rather than obsessing about the chances of success or the failure, focus on the pleasure of the new experience. In other words, take the success-or-failure dynamic out of the equation.
It’s possible that by simply opening yourself up, you’ll discover new things about yourself. Imagine the smile on your face as you give yourself credit for taking this new risk.
If you get your toe wet, next thing you might put your whole foot in! Perhaps you’re hiding a treasure within — guarded by your genie — that would bring pleasure and joy to you and others in these challenging times.
In any case, exploration is all about the journey, not the destination.
If you love art, then take yourself to the art store, buy a set of inexpensive paints and a sketch book, and set about unleashing your creativity — without self-judgment.
If you have always wanted to dance or take a yoga class, do it. Even if you think you have no real flexibility. Who cares. Suspend judgment and perhaps you can move in ways you never thought possible.
Soon you’ll be looking forward to that hour or two you’ve set aside to spend with the genie within!
Things that go bump in your life
Monsters underneath the bed. Fear of the dark. Visits to the dentist or doctor. All pretty daunting experiences for a little one.
Validating a child’s fear, anxiety, loneliness and pain — helping them find ways to manage and cope — is a critical part of the parenting role.
When “scary” incidents from childhood go unattended by primary caregivers, these experiences become more traumatic, more terrifying than they really were. The child is at risk of growing up to be an adult who only sees experiences in life as black and white.
Without appropriate soothing, the child is simply not capable of regulating and soothing their fears. Comforting the youngster should not include minimizing these fears or telling a child they should not feel the way they do.
When a child sees that mom or dad can help them with reassurances, then the child develops a sense of both efficacy and emotional security. Life feels less scary — more manageable, creative and interesting.
For example: “Let’s look under the bed together, Jimmy, and see that there are no monsters there” (said with loving kindness). Perhaps Sarah and her mother can wave an imaginary wand and herald the words, “Monsters be gone!”
Soothing the inner child’s fears
Adults whose childhood fears were ignored or mishandled often live in a world of “always and never,” trapped into experiencing life in extremes — unable to moderate or soothe themselves in a loving way.
For example, when it comes time for the adult to have a checkup at the doctor’s and anxiety increases at the prospect — just as it did during childhood — the adult might be inclined to have extreme thoughts: “Oh, God, what if I have a terminal illness?” “What if the doctor finds something terribly wrong with me” … and so on.
Unable to calm itself, the child within has failed (through no fault of its own) to create a soothing voice capable of calming the inner turmoil. Developing a loving soothing voice within requires work and daily practice so that over time the extremes of the day to day become less anxiety provoking, more moderate.
To develop this voice, begin with a little self-soothing talk. Go easy on yourself.
Remember to tell the child within you the same things you would say to any youngster facing an upsetting or unknown situation.
Let’s say you were passed over for the promotion you really wanted and needed. Now you have a choice: Be brutally harsh, speaking to yourself with all kinds of cruel and self-destructive words. Or begin to be the loving, kind and gentle parent within that you deserve.
Offer yourself comforts such as, “It’s going to be OK, I love you and we can work through this — if you don’t get this job there are others.”
Try this approach, even if it feels awkward at first. You are worth it. The alternative, living a life of extreme thinking and feeling, can be draining and scary.
Once you start to soothe your inner child, little by little step by step, you’ll notice a big difference. Most importantly, you’ll feel better each and every day in your life.
Read Dr. Katrina Wood’s self-help book “That’s Not Love. This Is.”
New Year’s resolutions you can keep
Resolutions often are thought of as a good way to start the new year, but be honest now — how many of them do you really keep?
How do you feel when you don’t measure up, and how many of these resolutions simply go by the wayside with a shrug and the thought. “Oh well, I’ll try again next year”?
Consider another approach.
Say to yourself, “I am going to set myself a New Year’s resolution and I am going to try to stick to it in a ‘good enough’ way.”
Be the best that you can be in your new endeavor — be it to exercise four times a week, eat less meat, be nicer to your neighbors, whatever it is — but consider it a ‘good enough’ task.
Good enough means that if one day or one week you forget or don’t feel like following through on the resolution, don’t beat yourself up. Instead of telling yourself, “OK, I blew my New Year’s resolution — I suck,” look at things another way.
Tell yourself. “OK, I blew my New Year’s resolution just for today, for this moment in time.”
Take a beat, look at why that might have happened. Sometimes we let ourselves down because we are reacting to some other loss that we have not acknowledged. Instead we might have taken our negative emotions out on someone in the community.
Perhaps you had a disagreement with your partner and criticized your neighbor instead of confronting your partner.
Know your triggers. Own them. Remind yourself that tomorrow is another day — and you can renew your commitment to your New Year’s resolution then.
Accept your shortcomings, acknowledge your strengths and vow to keep walking down the highway, even if you stumble and fall.
Being on the highway of wellness speaks of your courage.
Mental wellness is a journey of heroes and heroines.
Have yourself a Merry little Christmas …
This is the time of year so many of us enjoy and look forward to.
Instead of good cheer and relaxing times, though, many of us become very stressed and overwhelmed by the expectations of having the perfect Christmas or those greeting-card holidays.
What is important at this time of year is to remember to enjoy ourselves — to reconnect with loved ones, to take the time to have conversations and have fun. Things we may have forgotten to do during the year.
Remember, this season is about focusing on relationships: the quality time we can spend with one another; the sharing and the caring we can give to one another.
It is also a time for reflection, a time to take stock of our lives over the past year. As John Lennon wrote, “Another year over and what have we done.”
How do you fare in your assessment of the past year? What are you satisfied with? What would you like to improve?
Some tips for the holiday season:
- Take breaks throughout the week. Every hour do a little something that lifts your spirits. Make a cup of hot chocolate; listen to some holiday music.
- Buy a gift for a homeless child or adult and take it to a shelter.
- Try to notice when you become overwhelmed and take a beat. Say to yourself, “Do I really want to make myself upset over this situation? Or can I bring some compassion and patience to others and myself, and in turn reduce the stress I’m feeling in this moment.”
- Go for a walk in the park.
- Take a drive with your family and go and look at the Christmas decorations and lights around town.
- Stay up and watch a good Christmas movie such as “It’s a Wonderful Life” or a good classic such as “Gone With the Wind.”
- Try not to isolate, be around friends and relatives.
- Go to your local Christmas Eve midnight carol service or local temple or mosque where a sharing of peace and love is a central theme.
‘Tis the season to be jolly, so have yourself a merry little yuletide , a beautiful holiday and be ready for a good year ahead.
Feliz Navidad, Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Happy Kwanza!
And as Tiny Tim Cratchit said in the classic “A Chistmas Carol”:
God bless us every one!
Domino effect: Your behaviors, their feelings
I am not responsible for how you feel — but I need to understand that my behavior may impact you.
How often have you said to someone, “You know you made me feel bad” or, “You made me mad,” placing the responsibility on that person for how we feel.
Think again.
No one actually makes us feel anything, but another person’s behavior certainly can impact us. Those actions bring up emotions, and they won’t be the same for everyone. A type of behavior may bring anger for one person but fear for another — perhaps sadness for someone else.
This doesn’t mean some people respond better and some do worse, just that we all are impacted differently by experiences and behaviors. Not all the time, but some of the time.
It’s important to be aware our behaviors do impact one another, because this is the path to true intimacy. If we didn’t recognize this dynamic it would impossible to experience real closeness, real connectedness.
For example :
I am late for dinner with my husband. He tells me as I arrive that he was beginning to feel afraid that something might have happened to me. Clearly he was impacted by my behavior (running late for dinner ). I tell him he shouldn’t feel scared; he should trust me and know that I’m not going to let anything happen to me.
In this example I am denying my husband’s right to express his feeling of being scared. Also, I am also denying that my behavior has impacted him.
What I needed to do was show empathy for his fear. To say something like I was sorry he felt afraid, that must have been difficult for him. That way I would be permitting my husband to have his feelings without my taking responsibility for them. Instead, I allow him to express them because they were his feelings and clearly he was affected by my actions.
I had a responsibility to want to hear about how he was impacted by my behavior — and to care about that.
Let your loved ones and friends express their feelings — as long as they are with “I” statements and not “You” statements. You’ll find closeness and intimacy begin to flow more easily.
Next time someone says you’ve made them feel bad, remember this means your behavior has impacted them. You have not necessarily made them feel this way, but it’s important to let that person know you care.
Tame shame, enjoy the holiday season
Dr. Katrina Wood talks about the holidays and the great expectations that go with them. “You really have to work very hard not to personalize” disappointments brought on by family and friends, she says. With Dr. K is Dr. Stephen Feldman, MFT, a regular guest on the “That’s Not Love! This Is” radio show.
- Listen to the full audio on Dr. Katrina’s psychotherapy advice show.
- View more psychotherapy videos on the Dr. Katrina Wood channel on YouTube.
- View Stephen Feldman’s therapist profile.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio for both adults and children.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store