My new book
You gotta right to sing the blues
In a society that demands we “have a nice day” and keep up our perky smiles, what do you do if you just don’t feel that way on any given day?
We all have down days — times when nothing is going right, and we wonder if it ever will.
It’s important to normalize these down days when you only want to sing the blues.
A variety of moods are essential to our human condition. Our feelings ebb and flow like the tides. If we were to feel only one way every single day, we just wouldn’t be human.
Give yourself permission to have a down day, or two, or three. If you want to be alone and cocoon for a while that’s fine. We all need “alone time”; we all need down time and down days.
A sense of time and space is critical when you’re feeling this way, however. Be aware of how long the down time continues. The shift from having a case of the blahs to needing help and support is when your mindfulness must come into play.
After a few days, this time spent alone has gone on long enough. You must reach out from this isolation, deliberately seeking support.
If you haven’t spoken to anyone for a while, reach out and share how you are feeling. Letting a trusted friend know what is bugging you is essential. A caring person with an alternative perspective will provide help and support.
There is a fine line between singing the blues and sinking into depression. Don’t let that sad song go on too long.
Find a teammate to share your dreams
I came upon this passage from motivational writer Walter Jackson and wanted to share it:
“In 1968, two young football rookies, Art Shell and Gene Upshaw, became best friends when they met at the Oakland Raiders training camp. They would imagine their dreams and share them with one another.
“Gene Upshaw hoped one day to be a politician, and Art Shell wanted to be a football coach, they both longed to be elected to the Football Hall of Fame.
“By 1987, their dreams started becoming reality. Upshaw, who by then was the executive director of the NFL Players Association, was inducted into the Hall of Fame.
“Later that year, it was Shell’s turn. He became the NFL’s first African American head coach in 64 years when he was named coach of the Los Angeles Raiders. When Shell heard the news, he called Gene, who was elated, ‘I can’t believe it, Gene,’ he said. ‘All those plans we made years ago have actually come true.’ ”
You too can be as Shell and Upshaw. Think outside the box and dare to dream. Hold those dreams close to your heart, mind and soul, and dare to share them with another person who also dares to dream.
Partnering the creative images in your mind can be a powerful motivational resource — one that creates feelings of hope and deeper closeness with trusted people in your life.
Like two children who sat on a stoop outside a house, playing games and imaging their futures, these two men trusted one another to hold and support their innermost hopes for their futures — as fantastic as those hopes were.
The power of sharing not only gave them strength, it became a bond, a thread — a lifelong bond built on love, support and endurance.
While these men’s wildest dreams came true, the values of being there for one another was of a greater worth — a bond that stood the test of time.
When Upshaw died in 2008, Shell hailed his friend as “a pillar of strength and leadership.”
So share your dreams with someone who also dares to dream. You might just find a kindred spirit along life’s journey.
Marital and premarital therapy tips
Dr. Katrina Wood and her guests talk about moving from “singledom” to marriage. “When you get into a relationship, there are aspects of you which you didn’t even know existed,” Katrina says. “You can only know yourself from (your) subjective view until someone else holds up a mirror. That’s when premarital counseling becomes pretty important.” With her are licensed therapists Chuck Moshontz and Clarissa Abijaoudi.
View more of Dr. Katrina’s psychotherapy videos on YouTube.
Related content:
The mystery of you: Help your lover solve it
Sexual healing for your relationship
Learning the language of emotion
Going it alone is no fun — expand your horizons
Wish you could see things from another perspective, breaking with your old habits?
Those habits die hard — yet they are uncomfortably familiar.
Carl Jung once said, “There is no growth without pain.” Perhaps that’s why we’re often afraid to grow — it’s painful. Makes sense, yet perhaps there is another way of coping with the growing pains that we all have to go through to face life’s challenges.
Share your growing pains with someone.
What if, for example, you decided today I am going to be nice to the office grump, even pay her a compliment.
What if instead of thinking about how poorly some people treat you, you break the habit of focusing on that emotional wound. Heal it by being the embodiment of kindness yourself.
Let’s say you make a decision to walk a mile or two every night. Everyone reads about how important daily exercise is these days, but it sure gets boring working out alone. Grab a friend, spouse or partner, and tell them you want company — don’t be shy about asking. Sharing what seems to be a chore might just turn into a pleasure!
One of the great challenges in life is to break the old conditioning of “coping with ,” “dealing with” or “suffering through” things alone.
More and more we learn about the validity of the two-is-better-than-one concept. Our immune systems, our sense of well-being, our happiness all depend on depending on one another. In today’s psychology we call this idea “‘interdependency.”
Not dependent and not independent, but interdependent. Needing one another mutually.
Try a little refreshing interdependency — it makes life a whole lot easier all the way around.
Divorce and kids: How to help them
Even if a divorce is amicable and mutually agreed-upon, the children become particularly vulnerable.
Seeing their parents break up brings major trauma. All children, somewhere deep inside, wish that everyone would stay together in a perfect world. When that doesn’t happen, there’s a shattering that must be addressed. The pieces of valuable lives must put back together with sensitivity and care.
Some helpful things to remember while navigating these vulnerable and often gut-wrenching times:
● Your children will have strong feelings about the breakup. Take the time to sit and talk with them about those feelings.
● Be mindful of letting your children express themselves. Never tell them to suppress their feelings. This is an emotional time and the youngsters’ feelings are normal.
● Give age-appropriate responses to your child’s questions and expression of feelings. Do not over-explain. Sometimes less is more.
● Be careful not to speak negatively about the other parent. Your children are part of you. Therefore anything you say that is bad or negative about their mom or dad will be interpreted by children that there is something wrong with them, too.
● Understand that the children’s change is a process too — some days they will feel better than others. Children need time to accept and accommodate change.
● Give yourself, as a parent, compassion for the change. This is a stressful time in which tempers run high and fuses burn short. Remember: This too shall pass.
● In the best interest of your child, try to settle as much of your divorce with a mediator. Seek therapeutic help to manage and regulate your emotions for the sake of your child. Remember, parents need help too! Here’s a detailed look at parenting during divorce with your former partner.
● Your children are watching you carefully at this time; their survival and security are dependent on your emotional and psychological stability. Ensure that your words and deeds match up.
● Be slow to introduce new girlfriends or boyfriends into your life. Your children are in an upheaval; they can only handle so much. Keep a new relationship on your own time — at least until it becomes serious — and then and only then slowly introduce them to your children.
● Spend quality time with your children instead of buying them “things” in an attempt to ease your feelings of guilt about what they’ve gone through. The time you take to listen to the kids and validate their experiences is golden. They will remember those moments more than anything else.
● Everyone has to grieve before moving on. It’s OK to cry one day and feel OK the next.
● Take time for yourself. Just like on an airplane, put the oxygen mask on first, so you are able to take care of your child. Manage your own stress in small nurturing ways throughout the day.
It is about the process, the journey. The essential relationship between yourself and your child. This is what counts the most during any major life change, and in all the minor ones in between.
(Image by Stacy Braswell)
Sorry seems to be the hardest word
We often think that saying “I’m sorry” is an admission of being flawed or weak.
After hurting another person, we feel bad but still resist saying those two words — usually for fear of feeling shame or humiliation. Or for fear we’re lowering ourselves.
Instead, we hear ourselves saying words like “I apologize” or “I didn’t mean to hurt or upset you” — anything but “I am sorry.”
Something in that subtle difference in wording proves essential to creating a true humbling and healing experience, one that’s authentically experienced by both parties. Saying “I’m sorry” can be liberating.
Things to remember when saying you’re sorry:
- Saying sorry takes character and courage.
- Saying sorry doesn’t mean you’re a bad or unlovable person.
- Saying sorry is a sacred act; it reinforces our fallibility and promotes intimacy.
- Saying sorry is a loving act.
- Saying sorry is powerful.
More tips about saying you’re sorry:
Be specific about how you caused harm. This is no time for hedging. Being vague avoids the hurtful event. The apology will be construed as lacking authenticity.
Own your part and be clear that you are owning your part.
Ask the injured party if there is anything else he or she would like from you.
If a mutual “sorry” is appropriate, don’t hurry your part and then say something like, “Now it’s your turn to say sorry to me.” Let the other person be accountable for his or her character and choices.
You have taken care of your part. This is a valuable, positive and healing action. Give yourself credit.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio for both adults and children.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store