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Co-parenting through divorce: an upside
These days the courts are filled with couples going through bitter and painful divorces. Who suffers the most? The children, of course.
Caught in a web of bitter resentment, hostility and shame created by their parents, children have little or no defenses. They can’t protect themselves against the rock that they are shattered — unable to “choose” one parent over the other.
Children love both parents. Their suffering is great and often permanent when exposed to tirades by one spouse over another in front of the fragile souls of their kids.
Rules to remember when going through a divorce:
1. Find a therapist or a specialist in divorce in order to vent your feelings of frustration, rage, hurt and loss.
2. Never use your child as your confidante, for any reason. Don’t ask your child to keep secrets for you.
3 It is the responsibility of the parent to protect the child — not the other way around.
4. Do not speak ill of your ex to your child; they have loyalty to both parents. Children have that right. It is normal.
5. Take care of yourself during divorce. It t is one of the highest stressors a person can go through. It can affect you mentally, physically, emotionally and taxes your immune system. Seek help, relaxation time. Find supportive friends and professional care.
6. Remember that this too shall pass. Try not to fixate on the small things. Try not to blame or shame yourself, or tell yourself that you will never have a relationship again. You are still a worthy, precious person; there is life beyond divorce, and you are not alone.
If at all possible, take co-parenting classes with your ex. This could be the best way to protect your children.
The stakes are high for the whole family. Parents who succeed are the ones willing to lay down their egos as much as possible for the sake of the children.
The kids have endured much pain in the process, from experiencing their parents’ adversarial positions, to making negative statement to the child, to feeling helpless to change the situation for the better.
Children invariably blame themselves for having created the divorce, especially if the situation is not handled with dignity and respect, which oftentimes it is not.
Children must be reminded that the divorce had nothing to do with them, that both parents or caregivers love them very much, and that their well-being and security are paramount.
Parents often need help to maintain clarity, set boundaries and be reminded of basic guidelines for the wellness of both their children and themselves.
Having the courage and maturity to seek co-parenting counseling is a big and valuable step to take. The benefits are enormous and the outcome is positive.
- Learn about Dr. Katrina Wood’s co-parenting counseling options in Southern California.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater
How many times have your heard yourself in an argument use words like “always” and “never.”
Most likely you have many times hurled statements such as, “You always accuse me of this or that” or, ‘You never have a good word to say about me” or, “We will never get along?”
Sound familiar? Ever notice how quickly things break down while trying to express yourself with these absolutes?
In the heat of the moment it’s easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
These negative and untrue statements don’t get you anywhere but feeling helpless and frustrated.
Here is another approach you might want to try:
- Focus on the one event you want to discuss and that is all.
- Don’t point to events from the past to prove your point, and don’t bring in another person to support your position. Keep the issue in the present, between you and the person you’re arguing with.
- Focus the talk on what you want from the situation rather than what is not happening. If you want to tell the person about the feelings or emotions you’ve experienced, don’t stray from the single specific event.
Remember that our feelings and needs shift and change from day to day — so what we felt and wanted one day may be quite different on another. Even if you don’t think this is true in your case, still concentrate on the one event and stay in the moment.
You’ll find it is much easier to navigate arguments and discuss differences using these techniques. They’ll lead you to positive solutions and settlements.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio. My new website, Cozy Children, is the place for children's audio stories.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store