Do the right thing: Couples communication

October 17, 2008 · Filed Under Communication skills, Dr. Katrina, Marriage, relationships · 4 Comments 

couple communicating stick figuresIn disputes within a relationship, it is important that the couple sees, hears, and values each other’s position equally.

In the moment that one person’s position becomes more important than the other’s, a power game ensues. This dynamic is the enemy of intimacy and resolution. But when both parties value themselves highly enough, then power struggles can transform into tremendous growth within a relationship.

Here are some important tips to keep the lines of communication open as you talk your way through an argument or heated discussion with your partner. Be sure to check out my previous post on things not to do in relationship talks.

  1. Do make “I” statements when you want to communicate to the other person regarding an issue that has impacted you. Starting a sentence with “You” generally leads to a shaming statement directed at the other person, who often retreats defensively. Making an “I” statement keeps the possibility of a dialogue open and fluid. Do keep the issue in the present and be specific about what you’re referring to. Don’t drag in the past.
  2. Do recognize that while your partner must realize how their behavior impacts you, they are not responsible for the feelings that come up within you.
  3. Do refer to the other person’s behavior, but don’t attack their core precious self.
  4. Do identify what you would have preferred to see happen in the event or behavior that occurred.
  5. Do ask the other person for feedback after you have completed your thoughts.
  6. Do keep eye contact when you speak.
  7. Do try to keep your tone of voice from going to extremes. Try to stay regulated and even in your tone, even if you are angry.
  8. Do take a “time out” if you are becoming too extreme in your tone or language, because at this point you are becoming abusive. Agree to return to the conversation when things cool down.
  9. Do inquire about the other person’s behavior; do not define their reality. (Example: ‘What I saw was …,’ ‘My experience was … ‘)
  10. Do ask questions in a spirit of inquiry, not one of interrogation.
  11. Do negotiate your needs and wants.
  12. Do expect your feelings to be heard — and cared for.

    13. More relationship tips: Read the post, “Don’ts that don’t make relationships work”

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    Don’ts that don’t make relationships work

    October 10, 2008 · Filed Under Communication skills, Marriage, relationships · 2 Comments 

    Relationships these days are ending all too soon, with one in two marriages collapsing into divorce. Fewer people are getting married, and the lives of so many beautiful, wonderful individuals are filled with heartache and sorrow.

    Communication is the key to a successful relationship, we’re all told. But how do we communicate at stressful times, without making a tense situation worse?

    Here are 10 things not to do when you find yourself in an argument or heated discussion with your partner. My next post will offer up 10 things to do.

    Follow these do’s and don’ts to a healthier, happier relationship.

    1. Don’t make “You” statements. Speak about yourself and your experience. Use “I” statements.
    2. Don’t bring in the reality of others to support your experience. For example, “My friends would never say this or that …” Trust that your voice alone holds merit.
    3. Don’t say, “I would never do that.” You are trying to shame the other person by taking a righteous or superior stance — in doing so you are avoiding expressing how you truly feel.
    4. Don’t use words like “always” and “never.” They fuel hopelessness. There is one thing we know in life to be true: Life is impermanent; nothing stays the same. Keep your language in the here and now, with the knowledge there always exists the possibility of change.
    5. Don’t threaten. It’s a cheap shot that only serves to fuel the underlying abandonment issues you both feel deep inside.
    6. Don’t take a time out or a break from your partner, friend or other unless you define how long that will be. Identify the time frame and stick to it. This will make you both feel safer, and it addresses the hope for a solution.
    7. Don’t use extreme language. This is the language of the traumatized child.
    8. Don’t tell the other person they are being overly sensitive. Their feelings are theirs; they have that right to feel as deeply as they need to — as long as they are making ‘I’ statements.
    9. Don’t multitask when someone is talking to you. Put everything down, sit down, face the other person, make eye contact … and listen.
    10. Don’t text-message, email or leave a voice mail when dealing with emotional issues.

    Next: The Do’s of making your relationship work.

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