Do the right thing: Couples communication

October 17, 2008 · Filed Under Communication skills, Dr. Katrina, Marriage, relationships 

couple communicating stick figuresIn disputes within a relationship, it is important that the couple sees, hears, and values each other’s position equally.

In the moment that one person’s position becomes more important than the other’s, a power game ensues. This dynamic is the enemy of intimacy and resolution. But when both parties value themselves highly enough, then power struggles can transform into tremendous growth within a relationship.

Here are some important tips to keep the lines of communication open as you talk your way through an argument or heated discussion with your partner. Be sure to check out my previous post on things not to do in relationship talks.

  1. Do make “I” statements when you want to communicate to the other person regarding an issue that has impacted you. Starting a sentence with “You” generally leads to a shaming statement directed at the other person, who often retreats defensively. Making an “I” statement keeps the possibility of a dialogue open and fluid. Do keep the issue in the present and be specific about what you’re referring to. Don’t drag in the past.
  2. Do recognize that while your partner must realize how their behavior impacts you, they are not responsible for the feelings that come up within you.
  3. Do refer to the other person’s behavior, but don’t attack their core precious self.
  4. Do identify what you would have preferred to see happen in the event or behavior that occurred.
  5. Do ask the other person for feedback after you have completed your thoughts.
  6. Do keep eye contact when you speak.
  7. Do try to keep your tone of voice from going to extremes. Try to stay regulated and even in your tone, even if you are angry.
  8. Do take a “time out” if you are becoming too extreme in your tone or language, because at this point you are becoming abusive. Agree to return to the conversation when things cool down.
  9. Do inquire about the other person’s behavior; do not define their reality. (Example: ‘What I saw was …,’ ‘My experience was … ‘)
  10. Do ask questions in a spirit of inquiry, not one of interrogation.
  11. Do negotiate your needs and wants.
  12. Do expect your feelings to be heard — and cared for.

    13. More relationship tips: Read the post, “Don’ts that don’t make relationships work”

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    4 Responses to “Do the right thing: Couples communication”

    1. Sharing feelings is hard for men, women | Shrink Central on December 13th, 2008 2:02 am

      [...] by expressing an emotion — this is the best way of relating intimately with another person. We all know this is not easy. Say, for example, that you are feeling emotional [...]

    2. Relationship violence - critical comments are triggers | Shrink Central on January 29th, 2009 6:25 pm

      [...] previous posts on relationship dos and don’ts offers a complete synopsis of how couples need to treat one another to make their [...]

    3. Understanding how our actions impact others | Shrink Central on November 14th, 2009 9:32 am

      [...] your loved ones and friends express their feelings — as long as they are with “I” statements and not “You” statements. You’ll find closeness and intimacy begin to flow more easily.    Next time someone says [...]

    4. How being touchy-feely can help your emotional life | Shrink Central on February 25th, 2010 6:26 pm

      [...] upset or angry (using “I” statements) or expressing fear — it’s all normal. It’s human nature to want to cry when life’s [...]

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