There is something startling about a mother demonstrating bitter and resentful behaviors toward her daughter. Something unnatural, confusing and disquieting.
This dynamic should not exist in a normal mother-daughter relationship. Yet it occurs more than we would like to admit. But why — and what impact does this have on a child who looks to a mother as all-encompassing protector, mentor, guide, role model and loving nurturer?
There are several underlying reasons why a mother would impose painful shaming behaviors upon her child. It is important to identify the impact of these abuses, and how they may manifest over time in maladaptive behaviors within a child.
A daughter who is particularly pretty, talented or popular may well trigger envy rooted in the past pain of the mother, unbeknownst to the child. When a child first senses a mother’s resentment or envy, her first inclination is often to deny or dissociate (become numb or frozen). A child doesn’t expect snide comments, demeaning putdowns, comments about body image, shaming over normal childlike behaviors — all serving to destabilize a developing and evolving sense of self.
A first reaction will be to adapt to such barbed comments with self-reproach. “If my mother says there is something wrong with me, then there must be. She must be right. I will have to do, try, be better.”
These are normal responses from a child’s perspective as kids are dependent on their mothers and caregivers to be role models for being in the world, reflecting what is “good” acceptable behavior and representation. Children are desperate to forge a loving connection with their mothers, for it is the most natural thing in the world.
Whether subtle or overt, these negative comments or sidebar negative looks erode and perhaps even shatter a child’s ability to develop and grow in the world with a healthy, self-confident and stable sense of worth.
Instead a duality forms, a division between the child who has been trained to be a representation of a kind the family system requires, where no flaws exists, no pain, no normal family problems, and that of a child, now unsure, uncertain of her authentic place in the world.
Over time, insecurity and doubt take precedence as the child soldiers on for the sake of preserving the family’s definition of worth and value. The child struggles with these intrusive and hurtful behaviors from a parent, especially when they originate from the mother figure — in theory the most significant nurturer of all.
Years later, an adult looks back, coming to realize this was her experience: That her mother transferred her own shortcomings and shamed sense of deficiencies to the child. The now-grown daughter grieves with compassion for the child within her who accepted the abuse and behaved in such compliant ways. And yet the adult continues to be trapped by historical narratives of this abuse.
Some healing thoughts
Resentment, envy and jealousy are real. They are often passed on through an intergenerational chain in families suffering from a sense of shame. Families in which self-worth was not adequately laid as a core value. Some mothers suffering from their own unrecognized childhood trauma will unknowingly target a family member, sometimes in brutal and painful ways. Resentment gnaws away at us and can be a springboard to anger, hatred and even depression.
A child is a perfect precious human being. Sometimes it is a teacher, an elder or even an empathic friend who sees all the wonder and beauty that organically exists in the child. These people help forge a corrective and healthful way forward.
Loving a mother who demonstrated resentment toward her child is a complicated path, but this is not not impossible, particularly when the grown daughter does not want to lose the connection. Self-care and self-protection are essential in such scenarios, however; this includes setting healthful boundaries and confronting language that triggers old wounds — and is now unacceptable. This means stepping away when a mother does not seem capable of curtailing her critical behaviors. Taking time outs. Expressing feelings of pain. Being clear about what the grown-up child now wants from the parent. Harsh undue criticisms are no longer acceptable in the maturing world of an adult.
When one person in a family system changes the whole family changes. This may be a benefit of such positive self-care. The daughter has modeled new ways of relating and being related with. The message has been sent to the mother that she no longer has a dependent child vulnerable to dysfunctional negativity. Awareness of historic family wounds has the potential to transform such stagnant relationships.
Sadly, being on guard is part of the price paid for mental wellness. The good news is that self-care, self-compassion and clarity are part of the developing values.
Confronting painful childhood experiences helps break old unhealthful patterns within family systems. Not only for one’s self but for future generations.
Photo: Charlotte
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