When someone asks “What do you want” from a situation or a relationship, it’s sometimes so hard to know.
Why do we struggle with that question? Perhaps we wrestle with the notion that what we want is selfish or uncaring. That we’re acting entitled. Could it be that these thoughts are absorbed voices from some unkind person that took root long ago. And caused us to be unsure of ourselves — and of what we really want.
Sadly, these messages may have been woven into the fabric of how we see ourselves today. Often the case. And false.
> First of two parts on Finding “me.” Read part 2.
As children we are giddy with life. We want it all, we speak freely, we rush at life. We are inquisitive, daring and curious.
When a wrench is thrown into such “aliveness,” especially in childhood, words cut deeply and linger. Perhaps the opposite occurred; there were not enough words, more silence than communication. Which in the absence of praise also could produce feelings of uncertainly and doubt.
Now is the time to challenge false accusations and to be reminded that there is a part of who we are that has a healthy selfish side. A right to forge and manifest our needs and wants. A dose of time spent doing the things you love and enjoy.
Flight attendants always remind passengers, “In the event of an emergency the oxygen mask will drop down. Be sure to place the mask over your mouth and nose and breath normally” — and then assist your child or dependent in the next seat. This is a wonderful metaphor for life. Taking care of yourself allows care of others, in this sequence.
Basically, if you are not OK, how will you be able to take care of someone else?
Turn the hands of time
Yet so many have a hard time being honest and authentic about what they want in life.
Perhaps because some families raise children “to share” too soon. Centration is a developmental stage between the ages of 4-7 years; the term was coined by noted Swiss doctor Jean Piaget. His research and writings addressed how children’s needs focus on one thing during stages of discovery. Their play and interaction are self-centered and egocentric during what is called the preoperational stage of development as they explore the curious and wonderful adventures and things that the world has in store.
If all goes well during the centration phase, then sharing becomes more organic for children. The egocentric focus shifts, as humans are generally social by nature.
But what if this phase of life hits some bumps? What if there was not enough time for such important self-exploration? What if someone in the home was sick or mentally unwell, or there was substance abuse? Or a parent was unintentionally too busy to attend to a child’s developing emotional and physical and psychological needs?
When a child’s sense of safety and freedom shifts focus for some of these reasons and a child is often called upon to be “the wise one” or called upon to be a “little adult,” then growing up in the world loses certain aspects of childhood wonder.
David Winnicott, a British pediatrician in the 1950s, wrote that the “child reverts into cold storage or a crystal palace, a frozen state, not extinguished, but frozen waiting for the ‘right’ or better time to thaw and come alive once more in the ‘right and healthier circumstances.’”
So many nuanced ways of behaving can result from the impositions of family members on a child. Innocence becomes trampled on, and the child begins to shut down fearful of criticism or worse.
Reclaiming ‘me’
Here are some clues and reminders to assist the child within us now, as adults. There is still time to reclaim some of that wonder and joy:
Relationship benefits: By accessing the healthy “me” part of ourselves, we are able to partake in our primary relationships with greater presence. Without expecting the other person in the relationship to fulfill or define the parts of ourselves that we have hidden. As we embrace ourselves, we not only have more to give to ourselves but also to others. Being a healthy “me” in a relationship is very important, for a balanced relationship counts not only in time spent together but also time apart. Both parties need time to work on themselves, become more connected with who they are, to discover aspects of what brings them joy, to explore challenges in a self-motived, creative and purposeful way. The results are invaluable.
Healthful confrontations: When one partner does something the other does not like or is not comfortable with, then a healthful approach is to confront the partner in a reasonable and balanced way. Healthful confrontation does not include aggression or rage or name calling. Healthful confrontation speaks to a part of us that learns to believe in our right to our voice, and our right to be heard and considered.
Consider collaboration: If you are unsure about a situation, then consider a variety of possibilities of what you want. Think about the options and how you could collaborate with this person. Is there a place where you could be more flexible? Check in with your feelings, see what comes up for you.
Express feelings without guilt: Do you feel angry excited, fearful, hurt, frustrated, lonely? We all do from time to time. One key is, are you able to express these emotions without guilt? Even if you do feel tinges of guilt it is advisable to express your feelings anyway. Breaking free from past constraints is part of the work and part of your growth. The second key is to talk about yourself and not the other person. Say how you feel and state what you want. Be open to negotiation if the situation allows it. Often people will hold back because they fear repercussions or rejection. Often these fears stem from those early childhood experiences or memories.
Dignity and respect
Now is the time for your adult to give you permission to share who you are today. As an adult you have more control over how you are treated by another adult when you establish a distinction between the past and the present. Today you establish how you are to be treated by another and today you can step away if you are spoken to harshly or with contempt or are minimized.
Today you have a voice that reminds you that you are a precious human being with an expectation that you be treated fairly and with dignity.
Photo: abecerra