“Fully being with your child, wanting nothing, is quality time,” wrote the childhood educator Magda Gerber in her book “Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect.”
Gerber is known for teaching parents how to understand babies and how to interact with them from birth. She spent many years studying children who were overwhelmed by the absence of physical, psychological and emotional care.
Gerber discovered something of great significance that served to preserve and protect the mental and emotional wellness of vulnerable children.
What she did was allocate 15 minutes per day to each child. No distractions: This time focused solely on each child. By making these children feel special — listening to them attentively, and reflecting their thoughts and validating their feelings — the youngsters began to internalize their importance, their uniqueness and their sacred place in the world.
Today, life’s demands are so rigorous and exacting, even for the young. When children are shunted from one after-school activity to the next, they are subjected to unintentional neglect. Partly due to a lack of focused one-on-one time.
A series of studies was conducted in the early 1950s by noted British psychoanalyst John Bowlby. Bowlby found that the infant’s internal working model develops during the second six months of life, when she gains the cognitive capacity to have a discriminated mother figure. The infant develops an internalized memory-cognition of the mother, enabling her to seek out safety by maintaining proximity to the mother. With this new cognitive capacity, the infant then develops an internalized psychological sense of felt security.
Emmi Pikler, a colleague of Magda Gerber, performed studies that concluded infants are born competent, and that their competencies should be recognized and respected. That means first and foremost that parents should observe their babies to learn from them what they know, what they like, and who they are.
The best way to help children develop a history of secure attachment is to create a safe, quiet environment. To slow things down; to pay attention. Allowing the infants to move and play in their own ways. With the resulting new cognitive capacity, the infant begins to develop an internalized psychological sense of felt security. This results in substantially greater self-esteem, emotional heath and ego resilience.
Today’s 15-minute commitment
The single-focus technique formulated by Gerber proved successful on several levels and it still applies today. It is easily applied: Turn off the cell phone and the TV. Sit with your child for 15 minutes every day. Listen to whatever the youngster wants to talk about. Commune via play. Laugh. Follow the child’s lead.
With this commitment from parents or other caregivers, children develop a stronger foundation of self-worth, acceptance, curiosity, creativity, security trust and safety.
Taking the position of follower of the children communicates to them that they are competent and therefore in charge of their lives. Providing undivided attention shows they are important, respected and loved. A veritable combination of affirming ingredients for mental wellness whose benefits extend well into their adult lives.
Such a small human investment for such lifelong rewards!
By the way, the idea of 15 minutes certainly does not end in childhood. The principle of focused time spent with our children and even other loved ones has far-reaching positive outcomes. There is no reason your commitment should end at any age.
Photo by Crissy Pauley