In the middle of a heated exchange, words of exasperation directed at you come out something like, “Well, what do you want?!”
These words can be stunning to hear, even disorienting. Feelings of anger and hurt surface. The concept of “what you want” feels foreign. But think about this for a moment.
What you want does matter, and should be considered. What you want in life, in a relationship; how you want to be treated, what you want to share. What you want truly matters because you are a contributing part of society — and, closer to home, part of a human relationship. So often focused on your partner’s needs and wants … perhaps the frustration lies in never allowing yourself to think, “What do I want?”
Voices from distant memories may intrude, muttering: “You’re so selfish,” or, “It’s all about you, when are you going to think about someone else?” These negative inner thoughts set an unhealthful stage. What you want as an adult is now unacceptable; you’ve become domineering. You’re accused of being “simply too much.”
As in all things, the Psyche seeks balance.
Somewhere in the middle there is a valid place for “what you want” in life — from a partner, friend, coworker or spouse. If you are not working toward what you want, then in essence you may feel you exist only for others. This leads to simmering anger and resentments, unacknowledged hurt and loneliness.
Take a baby step. Ask for something that matters to you. Be clear about how you want someone to treat you. See how things turn out.
One reason people shy away from putting themselves out there in such a bold way is the so-called “anticipatory fear of rejection.” What if I ask for something and I am rejected — then I will be emotionally injured. True, you might be, but then again you might be received with warmth and validation, and what then? How might this feel? Pretty good!
In the game of life, “safe” is not safe, not really. It’s akin to be being dulled and controlled by fear and anxieties, those robbers of your amazing life force.
Rejection will happen. Talk about it. Share your hurt with a trusted person. Remember there are times when the very opposite may occur.
Is the fear of being rejected going to rob you of the opportunity to secure some of your dreams and wants, or will you take a risk? Little by little, lay a foundation of “what you want.” Remind yourself that you matter. Permit an expanded view of your precious life.
Sometimes what you want will work out and if sometimes it won’t. At the end of the day, you’ll be able to pat yourself on the back and say, “Hey, at least I tried, because I matter.” Yes indeed you do.