In “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” an entire village “looked away” from their ruler, who was parading naked in the street, in order to support the illusion that he was magnificent and refined. The villagers pretended that he wore fine clothes of silk, bolstering his vanity and protecting him from shame to avoid his wrath and their potential punishment. (Miller 1952)
Conditioning children to “look away” lies at the root of many family systems. It becomes a core mechanism for coping with multiple painful behaviors and dysfunctional ways of relating. Many children grow up projecting similar narratives in the workplace and even on the world stage. They may believe that “everyone is good at heart,” as did Anne Frank, or that the consequences of outing the truth are not worth the price.
But when a parent or caregiver “looks away” during a child’s developmental stages, denying that child’s fundamental emotional and psychological needs, and missing opportunities to provide meaning, reassurance and guidance, dire consequences often result.
Unforeseen consequences
Misattunement creates particularly fragile family systems. When thoughts, feelings and experiences are ignored or contextually minimized, pathological adaptive behaviors emerge (Brandchaft 2010). Children may become overly pleasing, maintain silence or accept scapegoating (Satir 1988) in order to preserve a relational bond with the primary caregiver. Sadly, such a bond is frequently built upon a house of sand, lacking a solid relational foundation of trust and stability.
As children grow, they seek to shape and challenge their internal and external environments with fragile yet authentic desires for relational interactions. They seek interest, curiosity, support and guidance. A family foundation that cannot regularly provide sustained empathic relational connections and address traumas common to all families, may cause a child to recoil into denial, unable to make sense of painful rejection. The child’s worldview may become underpinned with self-doubt, anger and shame, eroding healthy relational development. They may retreat into a fantasy world or “crystal palace” (Winnicott 1971), an illusory refuge from further injury.
The child may slowly but steadily lose interest in a world full of wonder, challenges, excitement, beauty and positive relationships. The child may find an outlet in isolated creativity. Relational connections, may come to feel dangerous, as narcissistic self-insulation prevents inclusion of or over-investment in others to define the child’s self-worth.
Fears masked by anger, or lifelong perceptions of victimhood, may disguise feelings of inadequacy and shame, and shadow healthy longings to share and connect, to know and be known. Physical symptoms may also emerge, including shortness of breath, headaches, cramps and stomach aches. Well-intentioned parents often focus on achievements or on what “can be done” rather than on providing important relational understanding. Consequently, social withdrawal or obsessive concretization of objects may ensue to buffer the exceedingly fragile self.
When a child is raised in settings where substance abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, untreated trauma or mental illnesses such as PTSD or bipolar disorder prevails, or where parents are routinely absent, the child may exhibit borderline or narcissistic traits. These traits may serve to fracture basic relational attachment needs as service to the “illness,” or the condition may become a priori as a way of salvaging an indispensable tie to the caregiver.
Over time, normal emotions become repressed. Neurotic guilt, anger, shame and rage may slowly develop as the child blames him or herself, masking unconscious terror and pain over relational loss of the caregiver or parent (Wood 2016).
Starting small
The impact of looking away often begins on a small scale. A child runs excitedly towards a parent who is reading the morning paper, wishing to show the latest piece of art from school. If the parent brushes the child off with an indifferent comment such as, “Nice job,” this sends a message that the child’s creativity and perhaps the child himself is not valued. The parent may be oblivious to the sense of shame their child internalizes. The child’s sense of loss may be hastily masked in an attempt to restore the indispensable tie.
Repeatedly diminishing a child’s entreaties may result in a wider and deeper crevasse in the psyche’s relational terrain. Continuing to unintentionally reject the child, the parent may focus on their child’s under or over achievement. The child may address self-worth by becoming the best or the worst in school, sports or sibling rivalry. When parents neglect children, sibling brutality ups the ante. Children battle for top position, preferring even negative attention to being invisible.
Extreme cases: How to detect — look towards
There is no clear path to predict which child in a family system will become violent, manifest self-harm or become well-adjusted despite adversity. Regardless of outer manifestations, however, no child develops unscathed.
Two sons are adopted into a reasonably well-adjusted family. One becomes a mass murderer. The other manages life with relative balance. How can this happen? Statistics are unclear. However, extensive research reveals that some core behaviors warrant closer attention, especially repetitive unstable behaviors. Still, when one trusted adult provides a core essential relational home, potentially destructive behavior may be averted (Miller 1979).
Society teaches us compassion, empathy, fairness and affording second chances. When these values are violated or ignored, first within the home, how do we notice the impact on the individual before the person demonstrates behaviors that signal potential or actual lethal outcomes?
Moving towards requires sustained action
Most families are part of an intergenerational continuum of some degree of looking away. When a parent or caregiver sees behaviors that counter core values, they may first experience anger, fear, confusion, disorientation or denial. An unhealthy person, however, requires the intervention and sustained attention of a village no longer willing to look away.
Witnessing behavior without responding is akin to looking away. Moving from realization of danger into active response requires courage. When a child or adult threatens individuals, a school, or their community, directly or by way of social media, immediate, coordinated action must be the response.
Here are ways families and communities can create and effect protective protocols.
- Recognize warning signs.
- For children with developmental disorders, mental challenges or special needs, actively seek support from community resources.
- Family members warn and share concerns within the community.
- Petition municipalities for longer 5150 holds, from 72 hours to 14-21 days for those who display dangerous behaviors.
- Introduce greater comprehensive assessments and treatment mandates for extended hold periods.
- Maximize recognition of unhealthy behaviors. Do not minimize or deny observed behaviors.
Backlash: Underrecognized, underestimated
Backlash may be defined as negative or vengeful behaviors responding to consequences that set physical or psychological boundaries. When a child or adult experiences consequences as unbearably painful, and lacks the experience of a relational home (R.D. Stolorow 2015) or caregiver to help make meaning of their separation from the group, such agony may turn to shame and then rage, resulting in a veritable “time bomb” in the making.
In homes where core developmental needs are misunderstood or ignored, repeated rejection over time becomes repetitive trauma. The price a child pays for compliance may lead to years of extreme rebellion. The child unconsciously attempts to reset painful wrongs to right, outwardly manifesting as activism, religious fervor or political leadership. Unless addressed, the emptiness of unacknowledged wounds may continue to fester.
Going back to move forward
During life’s challenges, how often is pathological compliance unpacked and explored, the pain, shame, and loneliness of its origins examined sufficiently? This is a painful yet vital developmental process, in order to strengthen a core sense of wellness and worth. Without sufficient support, susceptibility to continue to look away may override the sanguine effects of looking towards.
Look away moving into looking towards
When an intergenerational family system is unconsciously haunted by unexplored, shared pain and longing for authentic connections, that system adopts the habit of looking away to stay thinly connected with those incapable of or uninterested in creating healthy relational ties. While looking away may provide an illusion of comfort and safety, hidden pain remains.
Turning toward pain leads to the exit sign
A certain flashpoint occurs when familiar pain becomes intolerable, however. When such awareness leads to seeking treatment, a relational home where empathic attunement exists can be established.
Course-correcting: the weather vane
With courageous, reflective awareness and compassion, first toward the self and then toward others, over time harsh north winds may course-correct toward warmer westerly winds, establishing a path towards self-love and acceptance. The individual may welcome and slowly embrace relational world without. A relational home founded in mutual reliance, trust, and love may gradually be created.
Dire consequences
As long as looking away continues within families, schools, community programs and government agencies, opportunities for individuals to strengthen their core sense of worth and connection with others will remain elusive. The challenging process of building stronger relational connections will be distracted by and replaced with electronic devices, attachment to social media, and other forms of looking away.
Hope for change
Facing hard truths about stagnated, inauthentic connections and observed, unhealthy behaviors of children and teens requires courage and vigilance. Parents and caregivers should monitor and inquire about children’s social media use. Remaining alert to symptoms of bullying, to or by the child, or postings that signal depression, isolation, or suicidal ideation is essential and sometimes life-saving.
Minimizing emotional impact is society’s way to manage personal shame triggers in parents or caregivers. However, focusing on guilt over your child’s pain will not help restore your relational connections with your child. Parenting skills are an ever-evolving endeavor. We are all learning and growing, and we must come together to share our strengths and acknowledge our shortcomings for the greater good.
Support required
Family systems require support to address tougher issues, particularly when intuition or observation suggests mental or emotional instability. Confronting behaviors that reflect pain endured in isolation requires engagement and guidance. The key is to fully notice — to listen, see, hear, inquire and validate the experiences of your child, even if they cannot personally express them. Attempt to imagine and validate subjective experiences with concern, guidance and wisdom. Considering and being mindful of early losses in a child’s history is key. Looking toward the pain of our experiences leads us to embrace more of our child’s experiences, providing a stronger chance for remedying and healing past losses for our children, our teens and ourselves. When we heal within, our paths to healing may extend throughout our families, our communities and the world.
References:
Brandchaft Bernard (2010) “Towards an Emancipatory Psychoanalysis.” Routledge. Taylor Francis Group.
Stolorow Robert D. (2007) “Trauma and Human Existence.” The Analytic Press.
Diamond Stephen A. (1996) “Anger Madness and the Diamonic.” State University of New York Press: Albany.
Winnicott DW (1971) “Therapeutic Consultation.” The Hogarth Press
Miller Alice (1979) Suhrkamp Verlag Frankfurt am Main.
Wood Katrina ( 2016) CAMFT Magazine The Therapist. “Trauma Shame & Rage.”
“Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM-5) 2012. American Psychiatric Association. VA.
Photo: Daniel Duchon