Monsters underneath the bed. Fear of the dark. Visits to the dentist or doctor. All pretty daunting experiences for a little one.
Validating a child’s fear, anxiety, loneliness and pain — helping them find ways to manage and cope — is a critical part of the parenting role.
When “scary” incidents from childhood go unattended by primary caregivers, these experiences become more traumatic, more terrifying than they really were. The child is at risk of growing up to be an adult who only sees experiences in life as black and white.
Without appropriate soothing, the child is simply not capable of regulating and soothing their fears. Comforting the youngster should not include minimizing these fears or telling a child they should not feel the way they do.
When a child sees that mom or dad can help them with reassurances, then the child develops a sense of both efficacy and emotional security. Life feels less scary — more manageable, creative and interesting.
For example: “Let’s look under the bed together, Jimmy, and see that there are no monsters there” (said with loving kindness). Perhaps Sarah and her mother can wave an imaginary wand and herald the words, “Monsters be gone!”
Soothing the inner child’s fears
Adults whose childhood fears were ignored or mishandled often live in a world of “always and never,” trapped into experiencing life in extremes — unable to moderate or soothe themselves in a loving way.
For example, when it comes time for the adult to have a checkup at the doctor’s and anxiety increases at the prospect — just as it did during childhood — the adult might be inclined to have extreme thoughts: “Oh, God, what if I have a terminal illness?” “What if the doctor finds something terribly wrong with me” … and so on.
Unable to calm itself, the child within has failed (through no fault of its own) to create a soothing voice capable of calming the inner turmoil. Developing a loving soothing voice within requires work and daily practice so that over time the extremes of the day to day become less anxiety provoking, more moderate.
To develop this voice, begin with a little self-soothing talk. Go easy on yourself.
Remember to tell the child within you the same things you would say to any youngster facing an upsetting or unknown situation.
Let’s say you were passed over for the promotion you really wanted and needed. Now you have a choice: Be brutally harsh, speaking to yourself with all kinds of cruel and self-destructive words. Or begin to be the loving, kind and gentle parent within that you deserve.
Offer yourself comforts such as, “It’s going to be OK, I love you and we can work through this — if you don’t get this job there are others.”
Try this approach, even if it feels awkward at first. You are worth it. The alternative, living a life of extreme thinking and feeling, can be draining and scary.
Once you start to soothe your inner child, little by little step by step, you’ll notice a big difference. Most importantly, you’ll feel better each and every day in your life.