It’s okay to say you’re afraid.
Using the language of fear — and not anger — can promote intimacy and preserve love.
Remember when you saw your child bolt down the pathway heading straight for the road and you yelled out in anger? Or when your spouse accidentally knocked over the saucepan of hot water and you angrily blamed him for being clumsy?
Our nervous system reacts in a few simple ways to protect ourselves from danger.
Classic responses are to take flight, to fight, or to freeze (the old deer-in-the-headlights image).
These responses are hard wired within us for survival reasons. They also operate on a smaller and perhaps less noticeable way almost every day.
Sometimes our nervous system expresses itself with anger outbursts that, in truth, come from fear — the fear that we cannot protect ourselves and our loved ones from harm.
Rather than express that fear to others, we suppress it. Then the fear bursts out in the form of anger. And then we feel guilt or shame. Or we are accused of being overreactive.
It is important to know this is perfectly normal and it’s OK to express our fears to our spouses, partners and friends.
When we are not used to expressing vulnerability this sometimes can feel weird and uncomfortable — especially for those of us raised in families that did not express fear or pain.
Practice is the way.
Learning the language of emotion is challenging for many of us. It is like learning a new language. In the world of intimacy, however, it is essential for it can diffuse so many misunderstandings.
Practice using words and phrases like “It’s scary” or “That frightened me” or “That really shook me up” — instead of angry words such as “You’re really stupid” or “Why didn’t you look where you were going?”
With a more authentic and honest expression of how you felt, not only are you being true to yourself but you also are maintaining and preserving intimacy and connection with the ones you love.