How many times have you heard someone say, "I'll never be like my father" (or mother). Maybe someone said to you, "You know, your grandfather had a temper just like yours." How shocked you were to hear such a false accusation. You protest, "Not me," or, "I’m never going to raise my children the way I was raised. ... "I will never be impatient like my father, or say those mean things to … [Read more...]
Looking away and looking towards
In "The Emperor's New Clothes," an entire village "looked away" from their ruler, who was parading naked in the street, in order to support the illusion that he was magnificent and refined. The villagers pretended that he wore fine clothes of silk, bolstering his vanity and protecting him from shame to avoid his wrath and their potential punishment. (Miller 1952) Conditioning children to "look … [Read more...]
Changing ‘This is me’ to ‘This is us’
If being "in a relationship" is important to you, then making changes and adapting to your partner or spouse is an important developmental process. The adage "This is who I am" underscores a defensiveness that speaks more to a frozen part of who we are, unwilling to reflect on ourselves and make changes benefiting the relationship and the person we profess to love. We all come into … [Read more...]
A two-step approach to childhood pain
It is instinctual to intervene when a child is hurt, physically or emotionally -- to try to stop the young one's pain. Say when a child suffers a cut or a bruise. Or feels the emotional pain of losing a pet. Or reels from injurious comments made by a bully at school. Our inclination is to say something like, "It's OK; it’s not that bad." Or, "Honey you'll be OK -- just shake it off." Or the … [Read more...]
The Law of Attraction: Another way through the looking glass
The notion that we attract who we are and how we walk in the world perhaps has some merit, but the concept misses some important markers. Deep within us lies an abiding place: One full of creativity, joy, dreaming. But also with deep relational hopes, losses, pain and longings. Longings connected to the pain of lost relationships -- due to an early demise, rejection or an absence. The … [Read more...]
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