“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.” — Kahil Gibran, from “The Prophet”
Gibran’s poem remains a poignant yet sobering reminder of how parents must see their children on an ever-widening landscape. With love comes the inevitable letting go.
Children come into this world as precious, creative, powerful little beings. Each unique in his or her way; full of curiosity, naivety, wonder, imagination, creativity and strong feelings. As parents we want the best for our children. Yet within a short time — often during latency (a period that begins around age 11 or 12) — the offspring begin to form their own perceptions of themselves. These are predicated on experiences within their family systems but also importantly in peer groups. This shift in perceptions comes as they enter the ever-widening world.
Often these views clash with how parents would like their children to be — often for reasons of safety and stability — based on preference of life choices, career choices, partner choices and so much more.
Parents have a choice in the fraught-filled and challenging teen years: Whether to cling to their own wishes and desires, or to be willing to trust their child’s evolving interests and world views. This often determines whether connections are maintained throughout life. Or results in painful disconnections.
This often comes down to how much open dialogue there is between parents and children during these developmental stages. How much flexibility exists while healthful guidance is negotiated between parent and child.
Words from ‘The Prophet’
Gibran encourages his older readers to develop an understanding of the mystical and magical part of life that exists in every child (and every human). Parents need the wisdom to realize there are things in this world they will never comprehend. Things that can only be experienced through the lens of their children.
Sometimes life excludes parents from forewarnings. Life carves its path for their offspring, now adults, bringing shock and bewilderment. An adult they thought they knew does a complete 180, veering off on a completely different course. Perhaps traveling halfway across the world, never to return. A devastating outcome and yet one that charts a course for their child, bringing much soul satisfaction. In a perfect world, familial connection is retained as the child’s wings are encouraged to unfurl and fly.
As Shakespeare wrote in “Hamlet”: “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Or perhaps recalling Jesus, who said in Jeremiah 29.11: “For I know the plans I have for you.” And now as Gibran reminds us in “The Prophet”: “For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”
It remains painful and sad, yet perhaps also reassuring, to face the truth that one day we will leave and our children will remain; life will lead them where it needs to take them.
As parents with all the best of intentions, we hope and pray that with “good enough” foundations laid, with not too much control and along with ample trust, such philosophies will resonate as positive reminders.
For all beings have a fate of their own. When allowed and encouraged to live life to their fullest, our children will remember these gifts, wherever they may roam.
— Illustration of Kahil Gibran from “The Prophet” book