My new book
A healthy child makes for a healthy adult
For children to be mentally stable and to feel loved, they must be allowed to express their fears and pain of losses, as well as their hopes and longings.
The parent or primary caregiver must listen to, bear the burden of and validate the child’s thoughts and feelings with compassion, love, comfort and care.
This is the cornerstone of creating a foundation of deep self worth and safety within a child. This is an emotional, survival-level need for a child. With this validation, a child can thrive.
This arguably leads to creation of a feeling of internal safety that is far deeper and far more valuable than any feeling of external safety (basic physical and survival needs aside).
Sometimes a child’s expression of losses and fears are cut off too soon, perhaps in order to change to a subject that is less threatening or more convenient for a parent.
When these basic expressions of need from a child are unattended to, the child can collapse into a traumatic state — one marked by symptoms of depression, self-loathing, perhaps even self-harm. Or conversely, the child develops defenses marked by grandiosity and invulnerability.
The child assumes a false belief that fears and their losses in life are something to hide in shame — for it seems the expression of these feelings must make a person unlovable.
A parent must have to courage to hear their child’s expressions of pain and losses with deep love and understanding. When the adult listens with compassion and wisdom, magical things can occur. The evaporation of the child’s fears and losses organically takes place — and they are now transformed into expressions of hope and longing. The child knows they have been seen; their pain, loss and fear has been valued and heard with love.
Now the child can live in harmony with himself or herself, able to express pain, fear, loss, hopes and longings. All are essential in order to live a vital and balanced emotional life.
As adults we need to value these principles throughout our lifespans to guard against the development of masked depression, anxieties, panic and addictions.
The lack of these fundamental needs of all human beings is arguably the root of all mental illness.
The restoration of these fundamental needs is arguably the cornerstone of mental wellness.
Here is a self-soothing affirmation:
I will speak about my pain, losses and fears now without the shame I have carried for years. I will commit to bringing into my life a parent/ caregiver/ friend or professional who is not to afraid to listen and willingly bear my feelings with loving compassion. I cannot heal alone. As I find loving individuals in my life, I also will commit to treat myself with loving compassion, safe in the knowledge that all of my losses, fears, pains and longings are valuable. They represent my deep worth and the worth of all others.
Old pain, new relationships: a solution
Like it or not, we’re pulled by our unconscious to re-create pain from the past in present relationships.
Have you ever heard someone say, “Of all the people she could have married she picked him — I don’t get it?” Or, “Boy she treats him just like his mother did, and he could have had anyone he wanted.”
Sounds like masochism right? Wrong!
We actually re-create the pain from our past for many reasons, including:
- We attract what is familiar, even though it often can be harmful.
- We’re attracting what is familiar and harmful in an attempt to heal things this time around.
- Listen to the complete audio of this self-help advice show.
- View more psychotherapy videos on the Dr. Katrina Wood channel on YouTube.
- View Stephen Feldman’s therapist profile.
One difficulty in dealing with this cycle is we’re typically unaware of what we’re doing.
Here’s an example of old pain in a new relationship:
John the boyfriend has an eerie and familiar way of criticizing Jane. She doesn’t like it, it hurts her, but the behavior does remind her of how her mother used to criticize her when she was small.
John also has a kind heart and cares for Jane, but he has a nasty short fuse, which reminds Jane of her explosive, bad-tempered mother. Jane has been hooked.
If Jane is unconscious of the harmful patterns of behavior and communication styles that were laid down in her childhood, she will simply re-experience these patterns of abuse; endure a difficult and painful relationship; and deny the pain. Growing resentment may very well break up the relationship.
Jane must become conscious and recognize that these familiar and painful behaviors coming from John affect her sense of well-being and self-worth. They cause her to doubt her ability to be lovable.
Jane has an opportunity to confront John is a way that she could not in childhood. Now she is able to risk sharing with him how his behavior impacts her, and she has the chance to alter the course of their relationship for the better.
Facing old familiar tunes with courage, consciousness and insight can save what might otherwise be a painful re-creation of past pain.
By expressing her feelings of hurt and frustration — and by setting a boundary that includes asking John to speak about himself, his feelings, his wants and needs — Jane can steer this relationship into the good parts for both herself and her partner, thus preserving and strengthening their love.
Psychotherapy video: Creativity as birthright
Dr. Katrina Wood talks about the creative genius within us all, and ponders whether Humpty Dumpty really wanted to come off that wall. With her is Dr. Stephen Feldman, MFT, a regular guest on the “That’s Not Love! This Is” radio show.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio for both adults and children.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store