These days the courts are filled with couples going through bitter and painful divorces. Who suffers the most? The children, of course.
Caught in a web of bitter resentment, hostility and shame created by their parents, children have little or no defenses. They can’t protect themselves against the rock that they are shattered — unable to “choose” one parent over the other.
Children love both parents. Their suffering is great and often permanent when exposed to tirades directed by one spouse to another in front of the fragile souls of their kids.
In the best interests of the child and yourself
Rules to remember when going through a divorce:
1. Find a therapist or a specialist in divorce in order to vent your feelings of frustration, rage, hurt and loss.
2. Never use your child as your confidante, for any reason. Don’t ask your child to keep secrets for you.
3 It is the responsibility of the parent to protect the child — not the other way around.
4. Do not speak ill of your ex to your child; they have loyalty to both parents. Children have that right. It is normal and to be expected.
5. Take care of yourself during divorce. It is one of the highest stressors a person can suffer. Divorce can affect you mentally, physically, emotionally; it taxes your immune system. Seek help, find some relaxation time. Rely on supportive friends and professional care.
6. Remember that this too shall pass. Try not to fixate on the small things. Try not to blame or shame yourself, or tell yourself that you will never have a relationship again. You are still a worthy, precious person; there is life beyond divorce, and you are not alone.
Co-parenting
If at all possible, take co-parenting classes with your ex. This could be the best way to protect your children.
The stakes are high for the whole family. Parents who succeed are the ones willing to lay down their egos as much as possible for the sake of the children.
The kids have endured much pain in the process, from experiencing their parents’ adversarial positions, to hearing negative and distressing statements, to feeling helpless to change the situation for the better.
Children invariably blame themselves for having created the divorce, especially if the situation is not handled with dignity and respect — which oftentimes it is not.
Children must be reminded that the divorce had nothing to do with them, that both parents or caregivers love them very much, and that their well-being and security are paramount.
Parents often need help to maintain clarity, set boundaries and be reminded of basic guidelines for the wellness of both their children and themselves.
Having the courage and maturity to seek co-parenting counseling is a big and valuable step to take. The benefits are enormous and the outcome is positive.
- Learn about Dr. Katrina Wood’s co-parenting counseling options in Southern California.