My new book
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The 5 Commitments, in writing
The following is a contract between you and yourself. This pact provides the seeds and tools for maintaining and sustaining love — both with yourself and with the people in your relationships.
1. My feelings of interest, anger, pain, shame, loneliness, frustration and joy are mine and mine alone. They are extremely valuable. No one makes me feel a certain way, but I certainly am impacted by others and their behaviors. These may incite different feelings in me. I have the right to share these emotions with others in an appropriate way. I have a right to be heard.
It matters when I feel loss. I need to express some of my feelings of anger, sadness, shame and pain. I will remember to express my deeper feelings with those who care about me.
The depth of my emotions originated in childhood. I suppressed these emotions in the past because my experiences and feelings had not been valued. At least, not in the way that I needed them valued. I will be mindful of not expressing myself in extremes or being abusive when I talk about my feelings — with myself, or with others.
2. If I do not value and have compassion for my feelings and my longings — and do not express them — I am in danger of developing a shadow. This is a dark side that is the carrier of deep, important parts of who I am — parts that will now become hidden. I am now in danger of becoming enslaved to my shadow and I am at risk of controlling and criticizing others for the very feelings and longings that I have denied within myself.
Staying true to my authentic voice, I do not need to hide in a shadow world. I can remain in the light of my authentic creative world. I have no need to impose my thoughts and feelings on others.
3. I am comfortable expressing my truth without controlling anyone else because I now value myself deeply. As long as I am expressing my truth — and have created relationships with those who care about how I feel and my longings — I feel secure and have no need to control or shame others. I have developed love and compassion for myself because this value system has been strengthened.
4. I have a right to receive compassion and empathy after expressing my feelings. I may not always receive these validations, but I have attracted loving people in my life who provide me with the essential empathy that I need.
I do not expect the people in my life to take responsibility for all of my feelings. They cannot always know which of their behaviors triggers my pain, shame, loneliness, anger, fear and joy. Nonetheless, those close to me care about how I am impacted. They are sensitive to who I am. That is good enough for me.
5. Now that I have deeply embraced my feelings and my longings, I am able to view others with love and compassion. I have reclaimed this love for myself. In this solid territory of truly seeing and valuing myself, I am now willing to negotiate my needs — while valuing the feelings and needs of others.
Now I am able to experience true intimacy in a world of interdependency. Not dependent, not independent, but interdependent.
Exercising your Inner Child
In this segment from her psychotherapy talk show, Dr. Katrina goes solo for Inner Child exercises — how to restore and reconnect with your natural emotions and creativity. Also, ways to stir up some fun in your relationships.
When adult children punish their parents
Dr. Katrina Wood and Dr. Stephen Feldman, MFT, talk about estrangement between parents and their adult children. Should parents be punished years later for mistakes made while raising their family? This video clip comes from the weekly Dr. Katrina psychotherapy radio show, carried on BlogTalk.
Listen to the full audio version of this segment of Dr. Katrina’s “The Resurrection of Love.”
Flirting with disaster: emotional affairs
What’s all the fuss about?
Emotional affairs can begin quite innocently … supposedly.
A cup of coffee in the break room with a co-worker, a few intimate exchanges with a friend’s wife or a student or neighbor — all seemingly harmless, right?
What if these exchanges increase little by little, and the next thing you know the context becomes more intimate. For example, you begin to share personal tidbits that you would typically share with your wife/husband/partner. Next, you find yourself texting this person during the day or making intimate phone calls from the office.
Now you have created a new confidante and the relationship is beginning to grow. You’ve arranged to meet regularly in the break room; your day has a little buzz to it.
Time to take a beat and check in with yourself: What is missing in your life — your primary relationship — that leads you to seek emotional support and intimacy from another?
Ask yourself if this is harmless. Yes? Then why is your partner unaware of this person? Why do you keep these exchanges secret?
Chances are, because you are becoming involved in — or are involved in — an emotional affair. The consequences can be far-reaching.
Many emotional affairs lead to full-blown sexual affairs. Many marriages, families and partnerships are destroyed as a result.
If this post resonates with you, take the time to reflect on this behavior. Open up a dialog with the primary person in your life. Talk about what bothers you — what makes you lonely, unhappy. Speaking your truth ultimately has the potential to change things for the better.
Why not give your partner and yourself that chance?
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio. My new website, Cozy Children, is the place for children's audio stories.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store