My new book
Buy Dr. Katrina's book on Amazon.
Why do we mourn for celebrities?
There are a few celebrities whose lives and deaths touched us in ways that we can’t always put into words.
Year after year, as the anniversaries of their passings come around, we take a moment to pause, reflect and mourn the loss of such lives.
John Lennon was mourned once again last month on the 30th anniversary of his death — a day always recalled by radio and the media. Hearing such memorable tunes as “Imagine” transported many of us back to that chilling night — and we recall exactly where we were upon first hearing of the ex-Beatle’s death.
We relate with the part of John Lennon that resides deep within us. His humor, innocence and wisdom. His deep sensitivities and his internal struggles, which he bore for the world to witness in so many ways. The depth of his passions. The ever-developing expansion of his musical talent.
Perhaps most of all it was this exceptional man’s down-to-earth way of touching — and being touched by — the average working person. That he was our voice in the wilderness, reaching for something more, fearlessly seeking deeper bonds with others.
These are some of the reasons we mourn so deeply for one such as John Lennon.
When news of Princess Di’s fatal car accident ricocheted through the media in August 1997, the world came to its knees. Shock set in as global mourning began for the “people’s princess.” How hard it was to absorb the tragic news of such a young woman’s passing.
Was it Diana’s heart, her love of children, her tireless work for the underprivileged or even her naivete that we treasured? So many people felt Diana was a part of their personal lives.
Diana marked the changing of an era in the Royal Monarchy in Great Britain. Her personality and connection with “the people” closed a gap in the emotional distance that the nation had experienced for so long. Certainly Diana took greater risks in this area than her predecessors.
As with John Lennon, the circumstances of Princess Di’s death were both horrifying and traumatic. Both of these tragedies underscored the fleetingness of time — and the importance of living in the moment the best way we can.
In many ways Lennon and Di presented an ideal of the best that is possible in human nature. Perhaps that is why the losses remain so deeply felt.
Despite these celebrities’ faults, misgivings, and shortcomings, at the end of the day they reminded us that hope, love and compassion are values to carry with us each and every day.
As the anniversaries of these passings come around, we are reminded of the their gifts for us. Legacies to manifest in our own lives and to share — not only with those we love but also with the strangers we meet and those we have yet to meet on life’s highway.
Choosing ‘good enough’ over perfection
In the 1950s, a wise pediatrician from Great Britain named David Winnicott came up the idea of the “good enough” parent.
Having treated children and families for many years, Dr. Winnicott recognized that children do well when a parent does a “good enough” job raising them.
What that meant from his perspective was for parents to provide good enough custodian care and good enough emotional care for child. Both being important. Perfection in parenting was not something to strive for.
Going through life, the good enough concept still rings true. That means being neither too harsh nor too easy on ourselves. Creating a daily balance of compassion, discipline and self respect for ourselves and others.
Learning about improvement from a baseline of self love, not self loathing. Striving to be more from a baseline of already being good enough.
Staying true to the good enough concept helps keep us sane and healthy in a world that imposes the importance of continual excellence and perfection — often leading to shame and feelings of low self worth.
The harsh and impossible world of perfection often leads to isolation and loneliness. Replace those expectations with the good enough idea.
You’ll have closer relationships with others, a healthier self concept — and a lot more fun. Try it on for size.
Have a Good Enough and Fun-Filled New Year!
Spending the holidays with your inner child
Be generous with your inner child this festive season.
While many of us experience excitement and joy at this time of year, there are others who struggle to get through the days.
With all the emphasis on good tidings and cheer, things can be even more challenging for those in crisis or without loved ones.
The adage have yourself a merry little Christmas (or holiday season) suggests a way to partake of the season’s simple little pleasures. Take the time throughout the day to do something nurturing to keep your spirits warm — always reminding yourself that you deserve to be treated with kindness and care.
Here are some ways to lift your spirits:
● Buy a simple gift and take it to an outlet that helps children in need.
● Make cup cakes, put icing on top and sprinkle them, then share with your friends or neighbors — after you’ve had plenty of samples!
● Music can ease the soul at this time of year. Tune in to some beautiful holiday music on the radio. Listen while puttering around your home.
● Go to any free concerts offered in your local park; being around others can help.
● Keep yourself replenished with hot drinks or whatever you particularly like, such as hot cocoa or flavored coffee drinks — or, course, the ever-popular holiday treat eggnog.
● Take time to rest, recoup and reflect on how your life has been over the past year. Consider what you would like to add to your life and what you would like to let go. Notice repetitive patterns that perhaps you want to interrupt, redirecting your creative energy.
● Above all remember you are a child of this universe: precious, valuable, important, creative and lovable. While there are days and times in our lives when we may not always feel that way, that statement remains true nonetheless.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light and may the new year bring unexpected creative adventures and continued expansion for all that you are … and who you continue to become.
And to quote our dear friend Tiny Tim: God bless us, everyone!
Monkey love: When hugs mean everything
Back in the 1950s, Harry Harlow of the University of Wisconsin conducted an important study of baby monkeys at his research lab in Goon Park.
The purpose of Harlow’s study was to see under which conditions did baby rhesus monkeys best thrive.
For the experiment, Harlow used wire frames to create two kinds of surrogate mothers. He presented these artificial moms to infants who had been separated from their real mothers shortly after birth.
One “monkey mom” had its bare wire frame exposed and offered a bottle of milk. The other surrogate had no milk but was covered by a terry-cloth padding to which the baby monkey could cling.
Interestingly the baby monkeys who later thrived had spent more time holding on to the terry cloth padding (simulating mother-baby cuddling) — not the babies exposed to the wire mom with the milk bottle and no padding.
What do we learn from this? The study suggests by extension that human contact such as hugging and touching is far more important than previously known.
Harlow’s research emphasized the importance of mother-child bonding. Not only does the child look to his mother for basic needs such as food, safety, and warmth, but he also needs to feel love, acceptance and affection from the caregiver.
The researcher’s findings also exposed some of the long-term psychological physical damage resulting from inadequate attentiveness to a child’s needs.
And so we must remind ourselves to hug our loved ones — seniors, friends, our children and teens (as hard as that may be sometimes). Hugs boost our immune system, bring important feelings of comfort and security, and contribute to our ability to thrive.
For some people hugging is a normal as breathing, but for others the ritual may be perceived as invasive.
Younger children need and expect regular hugs from their parents or caregivers, but as they get older, an “invitation” becomes important. This leads to an agreement to hug between two people.
The key is to inquire, before hugging, “May I give you a hug?” — especially when addressing older children or adults. With teenage boys who feel embarrassed by their mom’s wish to give hugs, perhaps dad can step in and provide some needed bear-hugs.
Don’t forget to ask for hugs from your loved ones as well. Remember, we all need them!
A woman’s place is in the home office
Women at the turn of the century had won the vote, and then in the mid-1940s World War II was over and the nation was victorious.
Slowly but surely, women began to spread their wings, enjoying newfound confidence as they entered the workplace. Possibilities for a better life were everywhere.
While the stigma of the “little woman” homemaker remained embedded in the hearts and minds of some people, many others recognized that the modern “little woman” was becoming a force to contend with in the workplace and home.
Nevertheless, nature presented a dilemma. While women were just discovering what they were capable of in society, their natural instincts also insisted they embrace the age-old role of family nurturer and caregiver — the warm provider for children. This internal conflict called for close and thoughtful consideration.
For many women there is something innately comforting about the home environment. The familiarity and comforts of home inspire a sense of security and relaxation that can lead to creativity. (Not that chaos doesn’t often abound. In the home, you can never really get away.)
Knowing where things are, the comings and goings of home, the ability to set your own schedule (taking breaks when you want, and not when the boss says so) — all of these advantages make for a more relaxed lifestyle.
Eating at your desk in your jammies, making personal calls while also attending to business — all of these extras make life less stressful. For some people, working at home can without a doubt can make for a broader and expanded way of life, easing mind and soul.
The term “close proximity” speaks to the psychological meaning of the word attachment. Children and teens usually develop what is called secure attachment. This means that not only are the caregivers physically close to their children during crucial developmental years, but they’re also available for the tending of emotional needs.
Children need care that goes beyond the basic and practical; they have deep psychological and emotional needs.
For example, Jimmy comes home from school after a rough day. He walks in and mom is there, working from home. She sees the anguish on her son’s face and leaves her home office, taking time to sit down to have a loving, caring conversation about his day.
Jimmy feels seen, heard and validated. Mom, meanwhile, achieves balance: By working from home she’s able to attend more immediately to her son’s needs. Coming home to a mom who has kind words, a warm drink and a perspective that helps soothe a wounded soul can be the difference between an unmet need — in which anger and resentment may begin to fester — and a calm, relaxed mind that comes from needs that are met and problems resolved.
Technology can be a powerful ally for work-at-home moms. The portability of the work place has become a life saver for many moms. The business world is available at the press of a key, whether you work for a corporation, freelance or run a home business.
This flexibility brings relief to otherwise stressed-out moms who typically find themselves hard-pressed to multitask.
The key to success in a home office environment is remembering to find balance. Lower your stress level by taking that walk during a scheduled lunch break. Make multitasking easier with a disciplined schedule for kids’ meals, snacks and down time.
For those who love to get out of the house now and then, up-to-date laptops are a blessing. Portable computers such as the MacBook Air are lighter and more efficient than ever before.
Working from home was an option rarely available to generations past. The ways in which this lifestyle can be created and maintained are flexible and varied — the result bringing a reduction in stress and an increase in quality time for everyone.
Good stress, bad stress: a two-way street
Some stresses actually are good for you and your body. The right kind of stress can activate the flow of endorphins, evoke feelings of happiness and excitement, and provide a feeling of overall wellness.
Examples of good stress may be the anticipation of a wedding or a birth. The excitement of going to Disneyland. Taking a vacation cruise. Buying your child’s first pet. Riding a thrilling roller coaster.
How about the good stress of going on a first date — in with all that anxiety, there’s plenty of excitement.
These are examples of the good stresses that pop up in our everyday lives. This positive-energy stress can improve our immune systems, provide hope and laughter, strengthen our relationships.
There is a big difference between good stress and bad stress (or distress), of course.
Bad stress functions at a deep level. It can be agonizing — an inner relentless ache, an obsessive worrying that if left unattended will take a toll in multiple ways.
Chronic (bad) stress can have serious consequences such as a weakened immune system, ulcers, insomnia, high blood pressure and depression.
There are many ways to address severe stress. One of the most important is sharing your distress with a trusted caring person. Quite a few therapists specialize in stress management, so consider making an appointment.
Sharing these deep worries with a spouse, partner or friend is also an important step. Stress can be reduced considerably once you realize you don’t have to cope alone.
So often in these moments we simply cannot see the forest for the trees. An alternative perspective, presented kindly, illuminates another path that stress prevented us from seeing.
Sometimes just having someone listen shifts a feeling of hopelessness to hopefulness — even if the situation remains the same.
There are many positive ways to cope with distress. The important piece is not to isolate — not to think that you have to handle everything alone.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio. My new website, Cozy Children, is the place for children's audio stories.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store