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The secret words are ‘You Time’
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
– Groucho Marx
Truth is, most of the time we’d rather be doing something other than what we’re doing. Work alone eats up a third of weekdays or more. Then there are the chores, errands, little emergencies, social obligations, issues to work through with friends, kids and lovers — the list goes on and on …
With so little time just for ourselves, it’s important to remember YOU!
Think of the message we often are given when traveling on airplanes. “In the event of an emergency, please put your oxygen mask on yourself first, and then attend to small children.” While traveling through life the same applies.
Without giving ourselves the necessary and vital oxygen of life, we become depleted, irritable, have poor judgment at times and begin to resent the very people we love.
Contrary to popular myth — in this “me society” we are accused of living in — we all do a heck of a lot for others a lot of the time.
There is no rule for creating “you time”: Maybe it means getting to that spa you always talked about, or rummaging around the vinyl record store. Signing up for yoga, playing Scrabble with the one you love or deciding to join a gym.
Make sure that you are doing this guilt-free and without pressures of time. Not because it’s something you “should” do, but simply because you want to — no strings attached.
Vive la différence! Well, for the most part …
What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and all things nice.
Studies and life experience repeatedly show us that girls will be girls and boys will be boys … for the most part. But what does that mean for us all when it comes to the world of relationships?
I can give you a dollar a minute for each time my husband has said to me, “Yes but what’s the point of this?” or, “What’s the bottom line, honey?” And my response is regularly the same: “Honey, I just want to talk about it.”
There is no right or wrong here. What we must recognize is that there are marked differences between the sexes — and we should celebrate those differences to the best of our abilities.
That’s not to say that men won’t talk around and around a subject. But have you noticed that men tend to do that when they really want to get their point across. Whereas women are often more apt to reflect, consider and sometimes be OK with not knowing.
And how about the age-old joke about men not asking for directions because they know how to get from A to B — as if it’s shameful if they don’t.
Let’s take a closer look at some reasons for these stereotypical ways of communicating (and their related behaviors).
Here is where the Hunter-Gatherer piece comes in: Out there on the tundra, there was no time for chatting and a cup of tea. The bottom line always was the point. Kill or be killed. Bring home the dinner or the family will starve.
Male DNA has an built-in imperative to protect the family from starvation. The female factor is stereotypically the relational component.
Not to say this remains an hard, unbreakable rule, but the stereotypical dynamics can be noted and observed each and every day in families around the world.
Babies typically are tended to by females, who are on the front lines of cooing and ahh-ing to their infants, teaching them how to relate, feel secure and belong.
No doubt aspects of these male-female stereotypes continue to shift and adapt as society evolves. For relationships to endure and thrive, however, a little give and take would help to incorporate our ever-changing world.
Encourage our men to share more often. Encourage our women to risk bottom-lining now and then. This creates a path of balance that makes relationships more relational.
I’ll go first. Here’s my bottom line for this post:
At the end of the day, true intimacy is what we all want. Love makes the world go round.
Why do we mourn for celebrities?
There are a few celebrities whose lives and deaths touched us in ways that we can’t always put into words.
Year after year, as the anniversaries of their passings come around, we take a moment to pause, reflect and mourn the loss of such lives.
John Lennon was mourned once again last month on the 30th anniversary of his death — a day always recalled by radio and the media. Hearing such memorable tunes as “Imagine” transported many of us back to that chilling night — and we recall exactly where we were upon first hearing of the ex-Beatle’s death.
We relate with the part of John Lennon that resides deep within us. His humor, innocence and wisdom. His deep sensitivities and his internal struggles, which he bore for the world to witness in so many ways. The depth of his passions. The ever-developing expansion of his musical talent.
Perhaps most of all it was this exceptional man’s down-to-earth way of touching — and being touched by — the average working person. That he was our voice in the wilderness, reaching for something more, fearlessly seeking deeper bonds with others.
These are some of the reasons we mourn so deeply for one such as John Lennon.
When news of Princess Di’s fatal car accident ricocheted through the media in August 1997, the world came to its knees. Shock set in as global mourning began for the “people’s princess.” How hard it was to absorb the tragic news of such a young woman’s passing.
Was it Diana’s heart, her love of children, her tireless work for the underprivileged or even her naivete that we treasured? So many people felt Diana was a part of their personal lives.
Diana marked the changing of an era in the Royal Monarchy in Great Britain. Her personality and connection with “the people” closed a gap in the emotional distance that the nation had experienced for so long. Certainly Diana took greater risks in this area than her predecessors.
As with John Lennon, the circumstances of Princess Di’s death were both horrifying and traumatic. Both of these tragedies underscored the fleetingness of time — and the importance of living in the moment the best way we can.
In many ways Lennon and Di presented an ideal of the best that is possible in human nature. Perhaps that is why the losses remain so deeply felt.
Despite these celebrities’ faults, misgivings, and shortcomings, at the end of the day they reminded us that hope, love and compassion are values to carry with us each and every day.
As the anniversaries of these passings come around, we are reminded of the their gifts for us. Legacies to manifest in our own lives and to share — not only with those we love but also with the strangers we meet and those we have yet to meet on life’s highway.
Choosing ‘good enough’ over perfection
In the 1950s, a wise pediatrician from Great Britain named David Winnicott came up the idea of the “good enough” parent.
Having treated children and families for many years, Dr. Winnicott recognized that children do well when a parent does a “good enough” job raising them.
What that meant from his perspective was for parents to provide good enough custodian care and good enough emotional care for child. Both being important. Perfection in parenting was not something to strive for.
Going through life, the good enough concept still rings true. That means being neither too harsh nor too easy on ourselves. Creating a daily balance of compassion, discipline and self respect for ourselves and others.
Learning about improvement from a baseline of self love, not self loathing. Striving to be more from a baseline of already being good enough.
Staying true to the good enough concept helps keep us sane and healthy in a world that imposes the importance of continual excellence and perfection — often leading to shame and feelings of low self worth.
The harsh and impossible world of perfection often leads to isolation and loneliness. Replace those expectations with the good enough idea.
You’ll have closer relationships with others, a healthier self concept — and a lot more fun. Try it on for size.
Have a Good Enough and Fun-Filled New Year!
Spending the holidays with your inner child
Be generous with your inner child this festive season.
While many of us experience excitement and joy at this time of year, there are others who struggle to get through the days.
With all the emphasis on good tidings and cheer, things can be even more challenging for those in crisis or without loved ones.
The adage have yourself a merry little Christmas (or holiday season) suggests a way to partake of the season’s simple little pleasures. Take the time throughout the day to do something nurturing to keep your spirits warm — always reminding yourself that you deserve to be treated with kindness and care.
Here are some ways to lift your spirits:
● Buy a simple gift and take it to an outlet that helps children in need.
● Make cup cakes, put icing on top and sprinkle them, then share with your friends or neighbors — after you’ve had plenty of samples!
● Music can ease the soul at this time of year. Tune in to some beautiful holiday music on the radio. Listen while puttering around your home.
● Go to any free concerts offered in your local park; being around others can help.
● Keep yourself replenished with hot drinks or whatever you particularly like, such as hot cocoa or flavored coffee drinks — or, course, the ever-popular holiday treat eggnog.
● Take time to rest, recoup and reflect on how your life has been over the past year. Consider what you would like to add to your life and what you would like to let go. Notice repetitive patterns that perhaps you want to interrupt, redirecting your creative energy.
● Above all remember you are a child of this universe: precious, valuable, important, creative and lovable. While there are days and times in our lives when we may not always feel that way, that statement remains true nonetheless.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light and may the new year bring unexpected creative adventures and continued expansion for all that you are … and who you continue to become.
And to quote our dear friend Tiny Tim: God bless us, everyone!
Monkey love: When hugs mean everything
Back in the 1950s, Harry Harlow of the University of Wisconsin conducted an important study of baby monkeys at his research lab in Goon Park.
The purpose of Harlow’s study was to see under which conditions did baby rhesus monkeys best thrive.
For the experiment, Harlow used wire frames to create two kinds of surrogate mothers. He presented these artificial moms to infants who had been separated from their real mothers shortly after birth.
One “monkey mom” had its bare wire frame exposed and offered a bottle of milk. The other surrogate had no milk but was covered by a terry-cloth padding to which the baby monkey could cling.
Interestingly the baby monkeys who later thrived had spent more time holding on to the terry cloth padding (simulating mother-baby cuddling) — not the babies exposed to the wire mom with the milk bottle and no padding.
What do we learn from this? The study suggests by extension that human contact such as hugging and touching is far more important than previously known.
Harlow’s research emphasized the importance of mother-child bonding. Not only does the child look to his mother for basic needs such as food, safety, and warmth, but he also needs to feel love, acceptance and affection from the caregiver.
The researcher’s findings also exposed some of the long-term psychological physical damage resulting from inadequate attentiveness to a child’s needs.
And so we must remind ourselves to hug our loved ones — seniors, friends, our children and teens (as hard as that may be sometimes). Hugs boost our immune system, bring important feelings of comfort and security, and contribute to our ability to thrive.
For some people hugging is a normal as breathing, but for others the ritual may be perceived as invasive.
Younger children need and expect regular hugs from their parents or caregivers, but as they get older, an “invitation” becomes important. This leads to an agreement to hug between two people.
The key is to inquire, before hugging, “May I give you a hug?” — especially when addressing older children or adults. With teenage boys who feel embarrassed by their mom’s wish to give hugs, perhaps dad can step in and provide some needed bear-hugs.
Don’t forget to ask for hugs from your loved ones as well. Remember, we all need them!
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio. My new website, Cozy Children, is the place for children's audio stories.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store