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Taking the leap with ‘first validation’
Many of us fear intimacy, for it often summons the unknown — and the unknown can be scary. Still, intimacy is what we crave the most.
We’d rather take the risk than not, in order to find that deep connection with others in which we feel that we’re seen, heard and cared for.
Fear of being hurt often prevents us from “being” with others the way we long to be treated. Here’s a good approach toward achieving this: Go first. Lead with what you wish for in a relationship.
Leading first validation during an awkward or unnerving experience can offer an unexpected perspective that softens fears and opens the possibility of connection.
The tendency when faced with an unexpected situation is to be critical, which is a defense. Unintentionally, we produce the opposite of what we really want.
People often step into the unknown, and then lead with a criticism rather than praise or validation.
Think about a child who comes in from the backyard covered in mud after playing with the dog. The kid’s parents lead with, “Oh Joey, look at how dirty you are. Come here, let’s get those clothes changed into something clean.”
The intention is not to criticize the child, really, but what does the child hear? Most likely parental criticism, as if he’d done something wrong by getting dirty.
What if the leading edge is validation such as: “Oh Joey, sure looks like you were having a great time in the backyard — did you? Tell you what, let’s get those clothes changed into something clean.”
Now what does the child hear? Having fun and getting dirty are all part of being a kid, and that’s OK.
The result is the same. The clothes still get washed but now the child has been validated for being a child. Sounds like a win-win.
Consider this example of the leading edge with validation for adults.
Sarah agrees to meet her husband at a restaurant. Matt is running late. Sarah is checking her watch … and 15 minutes has gone by. Feelings of frustration and hurt begin to creep in as she sits there alone, telling the waiter her “date” will arrive any minute. Suddenly she gets a call: Matt. It’s the traffic — he’s stressed — he will be there as soon as he can.
In that instant Sarah has two choices: She can take the leading edge and validate his effort to get there, have compassion for the stress in his voice, and reassure him she looks forward to seeing him. Or she can take the critical route and blame him for not leaving the office sooner.
Which approach is more likely to preserve the intimacy and the connection and make for a pleasurable evening? The prompt validation wins out every time.
Using the leading edge with validation — and not criticism — brings small but consistent rewards in the realm of intimacy.
By focusing on the validation of who we are and what we are attempting to create in our lives — both within our relationships and in the world — we are likely to strengthen our connections and grow in maturity — leading to greater peace of mind.
Being of service in unexpected ways
Marking Memorial Day, we reflect with gratitude on those who have served and protected our country from harm and invasion — honoring our right to freedom, prosperity and dignity. We might also reflect on the service we are all able to contribute from within our borders each and every day.
In little and big ways, being of service can be not only of enormous help for others but also deeply rewarding and strengthening of our own soul and character.
I have written a good deal about the importance of self-care, which is essential for growth, balance and health. Remember the image in airplane pamphlets that instructs the mother to first put on the oxygen mask before tending to her child. We must learn to breathe freely and deeply ourselves.
When this balance is reasonably in place, then the focus and attention of being in service becomes a key aspect of our growth and development.
From volunteering at the local school picnic, to helping a blind person walk across the street, to reading stories to children at the local hospital. There was an old story once told by a senior Buddhist monk who spoke of the new monks coming in to the monastery for the first time.
Many of the new monks presumed their strongest skill sets would be applied in the monastery. The senior monk, however, had other plans for them. He would place the skilled monks in areas where they were not so skilled, and in doing so they were required to develop and strengthen skills they did not realize they also had.
In being of service, perhaps consider expanding the areas in which you might be of help. If you have never volunteered at a soup kitchen at Thanksgiving, or ever read a story to a housebound senior, or ever cut some flowers from your garden and given them to an ailing neighbor, you’ll find the feeling that comes from being connected with a fellow traveler on life’s journey through simple acts of generosity and kindness cannot be described in words.
Being in service a little here and there is pretty cool and infinitely life sustaining.
The capacity to both celebrate and grieve
Ding dong, Bin Laden’s dead! Yes, and we in the United States celebrate, of course. In the midst of all that cheering, though, many of us also feel grief.
For while our formidable enemy now swims with the fishes, the memory of the thousands of innocents he killed still carries an impact of epic proportion.
We mourn the dead, reach out to their loved ones and never forget the shock and the trauma that hit our shores that early morning of 9/11.
Sometimes we mistakenly believe that we must only have one primary emotion at a time. This is simply not the case.
Most of us have a space within us that contains multiple emotions. They ebb and flow. The pain of 9/11 remains; the pride and joy of killing Enemy No. 1 is experienced at the same time.
Feeling all of our feelings is what makes us human. So don’t be surprised that while celebrating the death of a mass murderer, you also notice some residual pain, anger and grief. Know that this makes sense and is perfectly understandable.
The ability to juggle conflicting and simultaneous emotions makes us the unique human beings that we are.
What a one-night stand can tell you
Have you ever had a one-night stand? Are you thinking of having one?
I don’t mean an affair that occurred over weeks or months. I mean a one-night stand. One time. One night.
Ever thought about why you wanted to have a fling — or why you had one?
Looking back, did it help or hurt you or your marriage or romantic partnership?
Did you confess to your spouse or partner? Did that help or harm your relationship?
One-night stands typically occur when a couple becomes emotionally distant and communication comes to a standstill. Often one or both partners feel insecure, unattractive and unlovable. They seek some form of attention to reaffirm their self-worth, if even for a short while.
As you might imagine, the afterglow fades and the cold light of the morning brings the sobering reality that you have cheated. Thoughts and feelings range from justification — “Well, she was a bitch!” “What was a guy supposed to do?” — to being guilt-ridden and mortified. Perhaps compelled to confess that you went out and simply drank too much and “didn’t really know what was happening.”
Then there is the me-too justification: “Well he did it one time, now it’s my turn and now we are even!”
All the excuses and rationalizing and even-stevens in the book won’t help. You have betrayed your partner, you have betrayed yourself, and you have betrayed the relationship. No one gets to feel better … and that could be the good news.
A one-night stand tells you that all is not right in the kingdom of your happy home and no sexual fling is going to right this wrong.
Taking the time to dig deep into the layers of hurt or anger that accumulated, unexpressed. Having a heart-to-heart with your beloved (even if they don’t feel like your beloved that day) is the important, challenging and necessary work to do.
If you don’t want to engage in this crucial experience then it’s time to ask why? Why do no longer want to try; why do you not care anymore? If you’re afraid, ask yourself of what.
You may not receive the answers that you are looking for, but you’ll begin what may perhaps be a more honest and heartfelt exchange, one that might lead your relationship down a more authentic and potentially healing path.
Yes, the truth does hurt. But the truth sets us free — one way or another.
Regardless of whether you reveal your one-night stand to the one you love, what is infinitely more significant is coming to the awareness of why you had the fling — what it was you wanted to say but chose to act out instead.
Speak from your heart. Ask for what you want. Talk about what is painful and unbearable, and set your sail in another direction. Then see what comes.
Growth is about taking emotional risks. Relationships thrive on growth.
The secret words are ‘You Time’
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
– Groucho Marx
Truth is, most of the time we’d rather be doing something other than what we’re doing. Work alone eats up a third of weekdays or more. Then there are the chores, errands, little emergencies, social obligations, issues to work through with friends, kids and lovers — the list goes on and on …
With so little time just for ourselves, it’s important to remember YOU!
Think of the message we often are given when traveling on airplanes. “In the event of an emergency, please put your oxygen mask on yourself first, and then attend to small children.” While traveling through life the same applies.
Without giving ourselves the necessary and vital oxygen of life, we become depleted, irritable, have poor judgment at times and begin to resent the very people we love.
Contrary to popular myth — in this “me society” we are accused of living in — we all do a heck of a lot for others a lot of the time.
There is no rule for creating “you time”: Maybe it means getting to that spa you always talked about, or rummaging around the vinyl record store. Signing up for yoga, playing Scrabble with the one you love or deciding to join a gym.
Make sure that you are doing this guilt-free and without pressures of time. Not because it’s something you “should” do, but simply because you want to — no strings attached.
Vive la différence! Well, for the most part …
What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and all things nice.
Studies and life experience repeatedly show us that girls will be girls and boys will be boys … for the most part. But what does that mean for us all when it comes to the world of relationships?
I can give you a dollar a minute for each time my husband has said to me, “Yes but what’s the point of this?” or, “What’s the bottom line, honey?” And my response is regularly the same: “Honey, I just want to talk about it.”
There is no right or wrong here. What we must recognize is that there are marked differences between the sexes — and we should celebrate those differences to the best of our abilities.
That’s not to say that men won’t talk around and around a subject. But have you noticed that men tend to do that when they really want to get their point across. Whereas women are often more apt to reflect, consider and sometimes be OK with not knowing.
And how about the age-old joke about men not asking for directions because they know how to get from A to B — as if it’s shameful if they don’t.
Let’s take a closer look at some reasons for these stereotypical ways of communicating (and their related behaviors).
Here is where the Hunter-Gatherer piece comes in: Out there on the tundra, there was no time for chatting and a cup of tea. The bottom line always was the point. Kill or be killed. Bring home the dinner or the family will starve.
Male DNA has an built-in imperative to protect the family from starvation. The female factor is stereotypically the relational component.
Not to say this remains an hard, unbreakable rule, but the stereotypical dynamics can be noted and observed each and every day in families around the world.
Babies typically are tended to by females, who are on the front lines of cooing and ahh-ing to their infants, teaching them how to relate, feel secure and belong.
No doubt aspects of these male-female stereotypes continue to shift and adapt as society evolves. For relationships to endure and thrive, however, a little give and take would help to incorporate our ever-changing world.
Encourage our men to share more often. Encourage our women to risk bottom-lining now and then. This creates a path of balance that makes relationships more relational.
I’ll go first. Here’s my bottom line for this post:
At the end of the day, true intimacy is what we all want. Love makes the world go round.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio. My new website, Cozy Children, is the place for children's audio stories.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store