My new book
Vision boarding: a compass for your life
This blog post is dedicated to Dr. Alice Miller, one of history’s true heroines.
She was courageous, determined and relentless in her cause, right until God swept her into His loving arms on April 14 in Provence, France.
Alice Miller was the author of many books, the most noted of which is “The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
Miller was a Swiss psychoanalyst who truly grasped the depth and breath of the impact of child abuse. And the critical importance of peeling away layers of denial in order for that voice of the child to be released, expressed and “felt” in the presence of a loving, caring other person.
Miller was a pioneer in her time and her legacy lives on.
“The Drama of the Gifted Child” is not an easy read. It often stirs up deep emotions must be absorbed at a slow steady pace. This book has been a life changer for many.
In honor of Dr. Miller, this article is a reminder for us to practice loving kindness, first to ourselves, on a daily basis. As the Dalai Lama says, “We must first make peace with ourselves, before we can make peace with another.”
Making peace within means reviving memories from your past — permitting yourself to re-experience them and to express those feelings. Painful memories … wherein lie many dormant emotions.
Our emotions are our spirits — without them we are not living a full and satisfying life. In the process of feeling these difficult and painful emotions, we will over time be awakened to aspects of who we are — that we perhaps have never experienced.
Vision board: A way to begin.
Creating a personal “vision board” can be both fun and insightful. Be prepared to begin to “feel” feelings right away, as you gather items for the board. This can be a pleasurable and meaningful experience.
Start with a large piece of posterboard, perhaps 24x 30 inches.
Then find some scissors, glue and cotton balls, tape, streamers from a party, old buttons and any other items that speak to you.
Gather some photos of people in your life who have affected you. Collect a couple of photos of yourself — one as a child and one that is current.
Finally, round up a collection of old magazines and cut out as many of the pictures that resonate with you. Notice which ones you chose. Place them on your vision board in the most meaningful sequence.
Remember, this is a vision board. This may be speaking to how you see your life in the past, present, future.
You also can cut and paste wording on the board, perhaps some sayings that speak to you. At the top write your name and the words “Vision Board.” (Or, “My Vision Board.”)
I want you to love this board, to love that you’ve taken the time to create it.
If you wish, make the experience more more fun by finding a friend or a partner. Have them create a board as well. Share feelings and thoughts as you go.
Finally, place your vision board in a room where you’ll see it each and every day — as a reminder of your journey and all the potential that lies within.
A pill a day, but don’t keep the doctor away
Medicine alone is simply not enough to ensure wellness when treating depression, anxiety and many other mental health ailments.
Psychotherapy, in the form of talking sessions with a qualified professional, is essential to recovery, researchers have found.
We are created as social human beings. We did not come to this earth to be alone. Our connections — emotionally, intellectually and psychologically — are both critical and natural. That’s why combining psychotherapy with medicine proves so effective in treating depression and other mental health problems.
Millions of Americans take mood-lifting prescription drugs every day, yet they often continue to feel depressed or anxious.
Part of the blame goes to the myth that humans should cope with uncomfortable feelings and thoughts on their own. That people should “tough things out.” That seeking help and support shows weakness.
This way of thinking is both a tragedy and a fallacy.
Seeking help is courageous, necessary and organic to our natures.
The adage two heads are better than one rings true.
Sharing our sorrows, joys, fears and pain makes us feel better. When we lean on a caring other person and gain support, we don’t feel so alone in this great big world. Basically it’s a win-win situation.
So next time you’re thinking this little pill alone will do the trick, think again. While prescription medicine may help in the short- and sometimes long-term, healing will be minimized without the support of a trusted empathic professional who provides insight and guidance.
We need one another.
Reach out.
Dr. Katrina Wood’s practice is in Southern California. Learn more about her psychotherapy centers.
‘That’s Not Love, This Is’ video, part 1
Here’s some help with your most important relationships. Dr. Katrina offers advice based on her book “That’s Not Love, This Is” (first of two parts).
Dr. Kat says we must learn to express feelings as we did as a child, before “shaming voices” bottled up our emotions. “It’s a treacherous, courageous journey back to that place,” she says. “And a very necessary one if relationships are going to endure.”
View part 2 of Dr. Katrina’s relationship talk.
View more of Dr. Katrina’s psychotherapy videos on YouTube.
Related content:
Old pain, new relationships: a solution
Sexual healing for your relationship
In defense of being ‘touchy feely’
‘That’s Not Love, This Is’ video part 2
More help with relationships. Dr. Katrina continues the two-part video talk based on her book “That’s Not Love, This Is.”
(View part 1.)
In part 2, Dr. Kat covers: How to avoid the “You” trap … Keeping the past out of present conversations … Subjective experience and relationships … Quieting “all those voices” from within … The urgency of expressing feelings … and the myth of “touchy feely.”
View more of Dr. Katrina’s psychotherapy videos on YouTube.
Related content:
The Mystery of You: Helping Your Love Solve It
‘I can see how you would feel that way’
Show Your Fear, Not Your Anger
Put your teen parenting skills to the test
Being the parent of a teenager can be hard.
Being a teen is doubly difficult. And scary.
The following quiz is designed to walk you through some positive and effective ways of dealing with your teen. Answer all of the questions for a quick evaluation of your parenting style. (It might be easier to print out this quiz. There is a printer-friendly icon at the end of this post, under “Please share this post.”)
For each question, score yourself on a scale from 5 (best) to 0 (worst). Once you have a total, check your performance on the Parents and Teens Quiz Evaluation below.
Dr. Katrina Wood’s test for parents of teens
Parenting first: Your teenager needs a wise parent, not another friend. Establish boundaries, structure and consequences.
______ How successful are you at being a parent rather than a pal?
Open communication: Begin every conversation with a positive affirmation. Validate what your teen is trying to say. If you don’t understand, help them be clear via comments such as, “I am not sure if I understand — do you mean (such and such)?”
______ How good at you at helping the teenager communicate with you?
Hearing their side: Don’t criticize your teenager. Invite him into a conversation by beginning a sentence with, “I was wondering … ” Don’t assume you know everything about him. You don’t.
______ Do you consistently invite your teen into conversations?
Sharing time: Show interest in your teen’s life. Know what kind of music she listens to; learn about her favorite television shows. Listen to her music and watch these shows together every once in a while.
______ How often do you share in your child’s favorite entertainments?
No payoffs: Don’t “buy” or bribe your teen. For example, don’t give him money for completing his school project. In doing this, you devalue his intelligence and self-worth.This behavior gives your teen a model for exploiting you.
______ Do you resist the temptation to bribe your teen?
Walk the walk: If you are going to “talk the talk” then you must also do your best to “walk the walk.” Teenagers are the first to figure out when something or someone is not authentic.
______ How good are you at practicing what you preach?
Love is the word: Be human, loving and gentle. Anything less than nurturing constitutes abuse.
______ Does your love for your teen show?
Take teens seriously: Be careful not to disregard what your teen is communicating to you. Teenagers are highly sensitive to any form of shaming at this time. They have a deep need to be valued and taken seriously, even if they do not show it.
______ Do you avoid shaming your teen?
Fighting drugs: If you suspect your teen is using drugs, act on your intuition. Get help for your child early on. He is in pain; don’t ignore him.
______ Would you take immediate action if drug use is in the picture?
Keeping your cool: Stay even-tempered with your teen. Avoid a judgmental tone. If you feel rage coming on, take a time out. Your teenager needs you to be in control.
______ Do you strive to be even-tempered with your teen?
Being there: No matter how frustrated you may feel, don’t threaten your child with abandonment. Ever. You brought this precious child into the world. It is your responsibility to take care of her without abuse or threats.
______ Does your teenager know you’ll always be there?
Support system: If you feel overwhelmed, seek help. The community is there to be of service to you. Use it. Seeking out help is your right and responsibility.
______ If you need support and guidance with parenting, will you seek it out?
Parents and Teens Quiz Evaluation
50-65: Outstanding. Your instincts and techniques are spot on.
40-50: A solid showing, average to above average.
25-40: OK, but parenting skills could be better.
12-25: Parental counseling recommended.
* Remember: score each item from 5 (best) to 0 (worst).
Fighting fair and protecting youself: a guide
Here are my Rules of Fair Fighting:
1. When involved in an argument, speak about yourself, your experience, your feelings. Use language such as, “I felt angry” or “I felt sad” or “That caused me pain.” Avoid: “You were an idiot” and “You made me mad!”
Only the behavior of the other person caused you to feel a feeling. But whatever you felt was unique to you; the other person probably felt another feeling. This in no way minimizes your emotion, however — it is yours to own.
2. Talk about what you want to see happen, from your perspective.
3. Stay away from absolute words like “always” and “never,” and keep to the specifics of the situation in the here and now.
Don’t throw in historical experiences such as, “I remember three years ago you did the same thing!” What matters is how you are experiencing the situation today — and that you are expressing yourself today.
4. Don’t label or shame the person with whom you are engaging. If you do, it’s shame on you! Only the weaker party resorts to shaming with expletives.
5. Take a “time out” if you don’t feel that you’re being heard — or if the dialogue between you and the other person is getting loud while tensions are escalating. Always seek a cooling off period if things threaten to become violent (verbally or physically). Also, go to a time out if you find yourself repeating the same things and getting nowhere.
6. Agree to return with the understanding that both positions are worthy of being listened to and considered.
At the end of the day, recognize that relationships are based on mutuality, negotiation and love. There must be give and take.
When either party gets stuck in the land of always and never, sparks will fly. Avoid those black-and-white statements.
Try to put yourself in the shoes of your spouse, partner, friend or child/teenager. Can you also see their point of view? You don’t need to agree with them … but do strive for a larger perspective. Maybe you can understand how they might feel. This should help with the long-term way you relate to them.
Often when we are hurt by the ones we love, they are not intentionally harming us. Sometimes they just miss the obvious, are insensitive, or fail to see an alternative perspective.
On the other hand, if intent to harm is part of the behavior pattern then it’s time to explore why you’re in a relationship with someone who causes deliberate harm. Do you deserve such hurtful behavior? Hopefully the response you give yourself will be a “no.”
We all deserve to be treated with respect.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio for both adults and children.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store