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From childhood, we remember intimacy
I was interviewed recently by an Israeli journalist on the topic of childhood memories. Karen Tsuriel’s article is reprinted here, in part, with permission:
In a conversation from her home in Los Angeles, Dr. Karina Wood said that “most things children remember in their adulthood are not extraordinary events, but mostly the daily simple things that involved love exchanges.”
“For me, it’s the memory of my mother teaching me to grow tomatoes, when I was a child. We turned over the soil together, planted and watered the seeds. She taught me about nature, we laughed together, enjoyed that moment. It was a secret moment, intimate and dear between us — one that has been engraved within me as a strong memory, with deep value.
“Events like these are small seeds that deeply affect the way in which a person assembles the mosaic of life.”
Interviewer: “So, it’s not the big expensive gifts that necessarily remain in the memory of our children.”
Dr. Wood: “No, not at all. It’s the small details that create the critical moments in children’s lives. We should not dismiss their importance. It’s not about money.
“Playing checkers, building Lego together, planting vegetables in the back yard, (like my mother did with me), going out for walks, or playing with a ball. These childhood memories are the most-valued over the years.
“In the end, as a person looks back on his life, the way he was loved is more important than anything else.
“I treat people who were not loved. Who were not shown love in the way that they needed it. This left them with a very big empty space in their lives.”
Dr. Wood explains that even those “mall scenes” that every parent knows — when refusal to buy a colorful toy leads to a child’s burst of crying, screams and tantrums — will not leave their mark in the child’s memory.
It is the parent who remembers these events, more than the child.
“Children get into angry outbursts and tantrums because they’re testing parents’ limits,” Dr. Wood said. “In these situations, the parent needs to tell his child: ‘I love you, I understand your frustration, but I cannot buy you this toy.’
“As long as the parent is able to soothe the child’s feelings and doesn’t ignore them, that’s the best he can do. I don’t think that the child will remember this, and if something is remembered, it will be the parent’s caring and loving response.
“He might remember this event negatively, if the parent criticized him, telling him: ‘You are selfish.” Or if the parent shamed the child as being bad for wanting that toy. Children who were humiliated by their parents and were told they were bad, remember that. …
“There are many people who remember how scared they were their first day at school, and their parents gave them a hand, escorted them into the school, told them it was OK to be afraid.
“In other cases, the child remembers through life that the parent was not attentive to him emotionally, and that memory — of having not received a response — remains very painful.”
Read a translated version of the childhood memories article in the Israeli newspaper Calcalist.
Keeping your cool in the dog days of summer
Hot enough for you? Heat and irritability both spike in the summer months. Tempers rise right along with those thermometer readings.
The FBI reports that July and August are the worst months for crime, especially incidents of domestic violence.
Why are we more likely to be cross in the summer? Any number of things could be in the mix. Difficulty sleeping. Heat-related disruptions of the brain’s processing of stimuli. Elevated blood pressure and heart rates due to the hot weather.
And then there are all those other cranky people out there.
“Being uncomfortable colors the way people see things,” says human-aggression expert Craig Anderson, director of Psychology at Iowa State University. “Minor insults may be perceived as major ones, inviting retaliation.”
Keeping your emotions cool amidst the blazing heat isn’t always easy. But here are some tips to help everyone chill out:
First of all, when feeling irritable, remind yourself of what you just read — that this is the time of year when things can get out of proportion. If you notice yourself overreacting — responding to a minor situation in a major way — give yourself permission to step back and see the big picture.
Take a “Time Out” from conversations that are becoming heated or explosive for no particular reason. You don’t always need to win an argument or be “right.”
Take a beat before you react or respond to what appears to be a negative personal comment.
Before lashing out at what you perceive to be an insult, ask the other person what they really meant. Often it turns out that your initial assessment of an insult was not accurate.
In any case, put their comment on your shoulder in a symbolic way. Ask yourself, is what this person is saying true for me? Respond as calmly as you can.
This technique protects us from being overly reactive in a world where immediate responses are demanded so much of the time.
Some more ideas for keeping things cool:
Be a little more charitable this time of year to your neighbors, friends and loved ones — help out here and there. Be compassionate with your thoughts and feelings.
If you are close to the ocean, take your bicycle and ride along the path at sunset — nothing more relaxing that to see the waves as the sun dips below the horizon.
Take an evening or early-morning stroll around your neighborhood. Clear your mind of negative thoughts. Focus on the beauty around you.
Go to an air-conditioned mall, art museum or public library. Watch a fun movie in a cool dark cinema.
Treat the kids to frequent sessions in the kiddie pool. Toss in a tray of ice or two.
Enjoy the fruits of summer — peaches, berries, plums are terrific served chilled.
Consider putting on the back burner some of the things that can wait.
What are some of your favorite ways to beat the heat?
Taking the leap with ‘first validation’
Many of us fear intimacy, for it often summons the unknown — and the unknown can be scary. Still, intimacy is what we crave the most.
We’d rather take the risk than not, in order to find that deep connection with others in which we feel that we’re seen, heard and cared for.
Fear of being hurt often prevents us from “being” with others the way we long to be treated. Here’s a good approach toward achieving this: Go first. Lead with what you wish for in a relationship.
Leading first validation during an awkward or unnerving experience can offer an unexpected perspective that softens fears and opens the possibility of connection.
The tendency when faced with an unexpected situation is to be critical, which is a defense. Unintentionally, we produce the opposite of what we really want.
People often step into the unknown, and then lead with a criticism rather than praise or validation.
Think about a child who comes in from the backyard covered in mud after playing with the dog. The kid’s parents lead with, “Oh Joey, look at how dirty you are. Come here, let’s get those clothes changed into something clean.”
The intention is not to criticize the child, really, but what does the child hear? Most likely parental criticism, as if he’d done something wrong by getting dirty.
What if the leading edge is validation such as: “Oh Joey, sure looks like you were having a great time in the backyard — did you? Tell you what, let’s get those clothes changed into something clean.”
Now what does the child hear? Having fun and getting dirty are all part of being a kid, and that’s OK.
The result is the same. The clothes still get washed but now the child has been validated for being a child. Sounds like a win-win.
Consider this example of the leading edge with validation for adults.
Sarah agrees to meet her husband at a restaurant. Matt is running late. Sarah is checking her watch … and 15 minutes has gone by. Feelings of frustration and hurt begin to creep in as she sits there alone, telling the waiter her “date” will arrive any minute. Suddenly she gets a call: Matt. It’s the traffic — he’s stressed — he will be there as soon as he can.
In that instant Sarah has two choices: She can take the leading edge and validate his effort to get there, have compassion for the stress in his voice, and reassure him she looks forward to seeing him. Or she can take the critical route and blame him for not leaving the office sooner.
Which approach is more likely to preserve the intimacy and the connection and make for a pleasurable evening? The prompt validation wins out every time.
Using the leading edge with validation — and not criticism — brings small but consistent rewards in the realm of intimacy.
By focusing on the validation of who we are and what we are attempting to create in our lives — both within our relationships and in the world — we are likely to strengthen our connections and grow in maturity — leading to greater peace of mind.
Being of service in unexpected ways
Marking Memorial Day, we reflect with gratitude on those who have served and protected our country from harm and invasion — honoring our right to freedom, prosperity and dignity. We might also reflect on the service we are all able to contribute from within our borders each and every day.
In little and big ways, being of service can be not only of enormous help for others but also deeply rewarding and strengthening of our own soul and character.
I have written a good deal about the importance of self-care, which is essential for growth, balance and health. Remember the image in airplane pamphlets that instructs the mother to first put on the oxygen mask before tending to her child. We must learn to breathe freely and deeply ourselves.
When this balance is reasonably in place, then the focus and attention of being in service becomes a key aspect of our growth and development.
From volunteering at the local school picnic, to helping a blind person walk across the street, to reading stories to children at the local hospital. There was an old story once told by a senior Buddhist monk who spoke of the new monks coming in to the monastery for the first time.
Many of the new monks presumed their strongest skill sets would be applied in the monastery. The senior monk, however, had other plans for them. He would place the skilled monks in areas where they were not so skilled, and in doing so they were required to develop and strengthen skills they did not realize they also had.
In being of service, perhaps consider expanding the areas in which you might be of help. If you have never volunteered at a soup kitchen at Thanksgiving, or ever read a story to a housebound senior, or ever cut some flowers from your garden and given them to an ailing neighbor, you’ll find the feeling that comes from being connected with a fellow traveler on life’s journey through simple acts of generosity and kindness cannot be described in words.
Being in service a little here and there is pretty cool and infinitely life sustaining.
The capacity to both celebrate and grieve
Ding dong, Bin Laden’s dead! Yes, and we in the United States celebrate, of course. In the midst of all that cheering, though, many of us also feel grief.
For while our formidable enemy now swims with the fishes, the memory of the thousands of innocents he killed still carries an impact of epic proportion.
We mourn the dead, reach out to their loved ones and never forget the shock and the trauma that hit our shores that early morning of 9/11.
Sometimes we mistakenly believe that we must only have one primary emotion at a time. This is simply not the case.
Most of us have a space within us that contains multiple emotions. They ebb and flow. The pain of 9/11 remains; the pride and joy of killing Enemy No. 1 is experienced at the same time.
Feeling all of our feelings is what makes us human. So don’t be surprised that while celebrating the death of a mass murderer, you also notice some residual pain, anger and grief. Know that this makes sense and is perfectly understandable.
The ability to juggle conflicting and simultaneous emotions makes us the unique human beings that we are.
What a one-night stand can tell you
Have you ever had a one-night stand? Are you thinking of having one?
I don’t mean an affair that occurred over weeks or months. I mean a one-night stand. One time. One night.
Ever thought about why you wanted to have a fling — or why you had one?
Looking back, did it help or hurt you or your marriage or romantic partnership?
Did you confess to your spouse or partner? Did that help or harm your relationship?
One-night stands typically occur when a couple becomes emotionally distant and communication comes to a standstill. Often one or both partners feel insecure, unattractive and unlovable. They seek some form of attention to reaffirm their self-worth, if even for a short while.
As you might imagine, the afterglow fades and the cold light of the morning brings the sobering reality that you have cheated. Thoughts and feelings range from justification — “Well, she was a bitch!” “What was a guy supposed to do?” — to being guilt-ridden and mortified. Perhaps compelled to confess that you went out and simply drank too much and “didn’t really know what was happening.”
Then there is the me-too justification: “Well he did it one time, now it’s my turn and now we are even!”
All the excuses and rationalizing and even-stevens in the book won’t help. You have betrayed your partner, you have betrayed yourself, and you have betrayed the relationship. No one gets to feel better … and that could be the good news.
A one-night stand tells you that all is not right in the kingdom of your happy home and no sexual fling is going to right this wrong.
Taking the time to dig deep into the layers of hurt or anger that accumulated, unexpressed. Having a heart-to-heart with your beloved (even if they don’t feel like your beloved that day) is the important, challenging and necessary work to do.
If you don’t want to engage in this crucial experience then it’s time to ask why? Why do no longer want to try; why do you not care anymore? If you’re afraid, ask yourself of what.
You may not receive the answers that you are looking for, but you’ll begin what may perhaps be a more honest and heartfelt exchange, one that might lead your relationship down a more authentic and potentially healing path.
Yes, the truth does hurt. But the truth sets us free — one way or another.
Regardless of whether you reveal your one-night stand to the one you love, what is infinitely more significant is coming to the awareness of why you had the fling — what it was you wanted to say but chose to act out instead.
Speak from your heart. Ask for what you want. Talk about what is painful and unbearable, and set your sail in another direction. Then see what comes.
Growth is about taking emotional risks. Relationships thrive on growth.
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio. My new website, Cozy Children, is the place for children's audio stories.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store