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Have yourself a Merry little Christmas …
This is the time of year so many of us enjoy and look forward to.
Instead of good cheer and relaxing times, though, many of us become very stressed and overwhelmed by the expectations of having the perfect Christmas or those greeting-card holidays.
What is important at this time of year is to remember to enjoy ourselves — to reconnect with loved ones, to take the time to have conversations and have fun. Things we may have forgotten to do during the year.
Remember, this season is about focusing on relationships: the quality time we can spend with one another; the sharing and the caring we can give to one another.
It is also a time for reflection, a time to take stock of our lives over the past year. As John Lennon wrote, “Another year over and what have we done.”
How do you fare in your assessment of the past year? What are you satisfied with? What would you like to improve?
Some tips for the holiday season:
- Take breaks throughout the week. Every hour do a little something that lifts your spirits. Make a cup of hot chocolate; listen to some holiday music.
- Buy a gift for a homeless child or adult and take it to a shelter.
- Try to notice when you become overwhelmed and take a beat. Say to yourself, “Do I really want to make myself upset over this situation? Or can I bring some compassion and patience to others and myself, and in turn reduce the stress I’m feeling in this moment.”
- Go for a walk in the park.
- Take a drive with your family and go and look at the Christmas decorations and lights around town.
- Stay up and watch a good Christmas movie such as “It’s a Wonderful Life” or a good classic such as “Gone With the Wind.”
- Try not to isolate, be around friends and relatives.
- Go to your local Christmas Eve midnight carol service or local temple or mosque where a sharing of peace and love is a central theme.
‘Tis the season to be jolly, so have yourself a merry little yuletide , a beautiful holiday and be ready for a good year ahead.
Feliz Navidad, Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Happy Kwanza!
And as Tiny Tim Cratchit said in the classic “A Chistmas Carol”:
God bless us every one!
Domino effect: Your behaviors, their feelings
I am not responsible for how you feel — but I need to understand that my behavior may impact you.
How often have you said to someone, “You know you made me feel bad” or, “You made me mad,” placing the responsibility on that person for how we feel.
Think again.
No one actually makes us feel anything, but another person’s behavior certainly can impact us. Those actions bring up emotions, and they won’t be the same for everyone. A type of behavior may bring anger for one person but fear for another — perhaps sadness for someone else.
This doesn’t mean some people respond better and some do worse, just that we all are impacted differently by experiences and behaviors. Not all the time, but some of the time.
It’s important to be aware our behaviors do impact one another, because this is the path to true intimacy. If we didn’t recognize this dynamic it would impossible to experience real closeness, real connectedness.
For example :
I am late for dinner with my husband. He tells me as I arrive that he was beginning to feel afraid that something might have happened to me. Clearly he was impacted by my behavior (running late for dinner ). I tell him he shouldn’t feel scared; he should trust me and know that I’m not going to let anything happen to me.
In this example I am denying my husband’s right to express his feeling of being scared. Also, I am also denying that my behavior has impacted him.
What I needed to do was show empathy for his fear. To say something like I was sorry he felt afraid, that must have been difficult for him. That way I would be permitting my husband to have his feelings without my taking responsibility for them. Instead, I allow him to express them because they were his feelings and clearly he was affected by my actions.
I had a responsibility to want to hear about how he was impacted by my behavior — and to care about that.
Let your loved ones and friends express their feelings — as long as they are with “I” statements and not “You” statements. You’ll find closeness and intimacy begin to flow more easily.
Next time someone says you’ve made them feel bad, remember this means your behavior has impacted them. You have not necessarily made them feel this way, but it’s important to let that person know you care.
Tame shame, enjoy the holiday season
Dr. Katrina Wood talks about the holidays and the great expectations that go with them. “You really have to work very hard not to personalize” disappointments brought on by family and friends, she says. With Dr. K is Dr. Stephen Feldman, MFT, a regular guest on the “That’s Not Love! This Is” radio show.
- Listen to the full audio on Dr. Katrina’s psychotherapy advice show.
- View more psychotherapy videos on the Dr. Katrina Wood channel on YouTube.
- View Stephen Feldman’s therapist profile.
Co-parenting through divorce: an upside
These days the courts are filled with couples going through bitter and painful divorces. Who suffers the most? The children, of course.
Caught in a web of bitter resentment, hostility and shame created by their parents, children have little or no defenses. They can’t protect themselves against the rock that they are shattered — unable to “choose” one parent over the other.
Children love both parents. Their suffering is great and often permanent when exposed to tirades by one spouse over another in front of the fragile souls of their kids.
Rules to remember when going through a divorce:
1. Find a therapist or a specialist in divorce in order to vent your feelings of frustration, rage, hurt and loss.
2. Never use your child as your confidante, for any reason. Don’t ask your child to keep secrets for you.
3 It is the responsibility of the parent to protect the child — not the other way around.
4. Do not speak ill of your ex to your child; they have loyalty to both parents. Children have that right. It is normal.
5. Take care of yourself during divorce. It t is one of the highest stressors a person can go through. It can affect you mentally, physically, emotionally and taxes your immune system. Seek help, relaxation time. Find supportive friends and professional care.
6. Remember that this too shall pass. Try not to fixate on the small things. Try not to blame or shame yourself, or tell yourself that you will never have a relationship again. You are still a worthy, precious person; there is life beyond divorce, and you are not alone.
If at all possible, take co-parenting classes with your ex. This could be the best way to protect your children.
The stakes are high for the whole family. Parents who succeed are the ones willing to lay down their egos as much as possible for the sake of the children.
The kids have endured much pain in the process, from experiencing their parents’ adversarial positions, to making negative statement to the child, to feeling helpless to change the situation for the better.
Children invariably blame themselves for having created the divorce, especially if the situation is not handled with dignity and respect, which oftentimes it is not.
Children must be reminded that the divorce had nothing to do with them, that both parents or caregivers love them very much, and that their well-being and security are paramount.
Parents often need help to maintain clarity, set boundaries and be reminded of basic guidelines for the wellness of both their children and themselves.
Having the courage and maturity to seek co-parenting counseling is a big and valuable step to take. The benefits are enormous and the outcome is positive.
- Learn about Dr. Katrina Wood’s co-parenting counseling options in Southern California.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater
How many times have your heard yourself in an argument use words like “always” and “never.”
Most likely you have many times hurled statements such as, “You always accuse me of this or that” or, ‘You never have a good word to say about me” or, “We will never get along?”
Sound familiar? Ever notice how quickly things break down while trying to express yourself with these absolutes?
In the heat of the moment it’s easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
These negative and untrue statements don’t get you anywhere but feeling helpless and frustrated.
Here is another approach you might want to try:
- Focus on the one event you want to discuss and that is all.
- Don’t point to events from the past to prove your point, and don’t bring in another person to support your position. Keep the issue in the present, between you and the person you’re arguing with.
- Focus the talk on what you want from the situation rather than what is not happening. If you want to tell the person about the feelings or emotions you’ve experienced, don’t stray from the single specific event.
Remember that our feelings and needs shift and change from day to day — so what we felt and wanted one day may be quite different on another. Even if you don’t think this is true in your case, still concentrate on the one event and stay in the moment.
You’ll find it is much easier to navigate arguments and discuss differences using these techniques. They’ll lead you to positive solutions and settlements.
Let your inner voice pay you a compliment
Give yourself some credit for a change.
So much of the time we are so focused on taking care of the people we love, our children, our animals and other things in our lives that we forget to take a moment and give ourselves some credit for all that we do and all that we are.
So often it’s almost a habit to distract from ourselves when another person pays us a compliment — almost as if we don’t deserve one; that we do what we do, and that’s just the way it is.
Allow yourself to accept a compliment gracefully. Remember, the person giving it also needs to be received by you. It’s their way of expressing appreciation. Just think how painful it might be if with a wave of your hand you blow their desire to praise you away. Perhaps just say thank you. Allow yourself to feel good.
A little harder but nonetheless important is the cultivation of the voice inside your head that gives yourself praise.
So many of us have an internal voice that runs us ragged, going on about how we just don’t make the grade, how we always need one more thing to make us worthy — the bar just seems to get higher and higher; the brass ring farther and farther away.
Try challenging yourself each and every day to give yourself a loving thought, a reassuring thought, a compassionate thought about something you noticed yourself do or how you treated another person. When you are frustrated or depressed during the day, remind yourself you are doing the best you can, you have worth, that some days are better than others. Tell yourself that it’s OK.
Life can be hard and challenging.
Research shows that being more compassionate and reassuring with yourself every day not only improves your immune system but can also help your overall general sense of well being.
Give it a try. You deserve it. The people you love and care about deserve it. And in the end, it will benefit you in all walks of your life. What do you have to lose?
CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio for both adults and children.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store