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In defense of being ‘touchy feely’
Feeling feelings can make you feel better.
The whole notion of people being too “touchy feely” is just a bad rap.
Tough-love books such as “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
The truth, however, is that most of us rarely if ever truly express a true feeling. We tend to skirt around the subject.
If you ask an adult how they felt about being passed over for a job, or being dumped by a boyfriend, chances are they will respond with something like: “I felt that I was not good enough,” or “I felt like she should have tried harder.”
Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but these are not feelings. They are intellectual descriptions of an emotion.
Society has created quite the taboo about the expression of genuine feelings, as if they are to be avoided as signs of being weak, shameful or immature. This is simply not true.
Only the courageous and strong are connected with their true emotions. To have the maturity and wisdom to express feelings is a blessing. This is an important part of intimacy. Our sacred vulnerability.
Our emotions are the force of our being. To mute our feelings of pain, joy, loneliness, fear, frustration, humiliation or happiness is nothing short of a prescription for depression
Depression is often the result of buried feelings and emotions that go unrevealed to a person who cares about us.
How many times as a child did you hear the words, “Oh, don’t be upset” or “Don’t cry, it will be better” — as if being upset was a bad thing? Our parents or caregivers probably meant well, but these kinds of messages were not always in our best interests.
For in telling a child not to cry or feel, we forward this message all the way into adulthood — and suddenly the grown child is unable to express normal feelings to their partners, children, friends.
Being upset or angry (using “I” statements) or expressing fear — it’s all normal. It’s human nature to want to cry when life’s injuries bring sadness. What is the worst that can happen? Tears will come and grief or pain will be released. Sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it?
Reclaiming feelings can be disorienting at first. Sometimes these emotions seem extreme, depending on how buried they might be.
Remember to remind yourself that feelings are normal. Practice with language such as, “I feel scared” or “I felt hurt” or “I am frustrated” or “I am very happy” when this or that occurred.
A word to the wise.
At first when expressing feelings, be sure to share them with someone who cares about you and how you feel. So that the childhood experience is not repeated in a painful way with someone once again telling you to “Get over it.”
Share your feelings with loving, caring others and perhaps you’ll discover the strength and wellness within.
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CDs to soothe the soul
My Relaxation Reverie CD collection offers meditation, guided-imagery and relaxation audio. My new website, Cozy Children, is the place for children's audio stories.
Here are three audio samples:
Fall Reverie
Magic Forest
Toy Store
I came from a family that didn’t express their feelings much, my parents didn’t even kiss. There was no “good job” or any positive reinforcement. My parents liked the fact that I didn’t date in my teenage years, and I was awarded for not talking in school. So I now have social anxiety, drug use, fear of women and intimacy. I never even went on a date with a girl yet and I’m almost 30 and I don’t see anything changing soon. My sister has it even worse, she has this wonderful condition called borderline personality disorder and she controls my life. I’m trapped both ways and am so confused about what life is even about and why it’s so unfair. I don’t know my emotions, I’ll feel none for a month then out of nowhere I’ll cry and feel something at odd times. I’m lost in this world with no friends, never had any, I just watch people, wishing I was like them. My parents always said, don’t worry it’ll happen and I believed them. Then before I knew it I was 25 living with a uncle that beats himself, a sister that cries and threatens suicide daily blaming me for it. I wish I wasn’t so afraid to talk to my grandparents when I was younger, now they’re all gone, died before I was 20. I can’t get that back. Now drugs make me feel normal, like i did when I was a kid, but they don’t last and there’s always a price to pay. If I move on with my life it will hurt my sister and she may not make it. This is life, it hurts, and you can’t change the past. Alot of my time is spent coming up with excuses so i won’t set off my sister, it’s a !@#$$%%n minefield around here. I have a bad feeling one of us is going to end up dead in the next few years. Oh well, my dad died in my arms in this same house, so on goes the cycle.
Every once in a while I get to escape this prison by making up an elaborate lie, turn up the music in the car and for an hour, feel what it’s like if I was raised in so much of a different way. A way that didn’t make me only get gratification from work, a way that would let me have fun, and have a real job like everyone else, have women pay some attention to me instead of ignoring me. So what do I do, write my deepest feelings into a blog that no one will see and it will prove that no one cares in real life, it’s your job to do that, if you can – if you don’t, you’ll end up like us, searching for an answer that will never come, a kind of saviour if you will. I’ve had a taste of what happens when all this past a present #$ap disappears, I binge drank twice a week and remember the freedom you speak of and that contrasts with my life now and I don’t like it, don’t like it one bit. Maybe someone can help but seeing uncaring life is and you really are “on your own” I don’t think it’ll happen, no matter how much I wish. It’s ironic, when your a kid you dream of growing up – when your a grown up you wish you a kid again. I’m sure someone used that expression before me but i don’t care anymore, sue me. Please don’t, I have little money and even less of a soul, I have nothing left to give. That should be what it says on my tombstone. I’ll put it my will tomorrow.
Keith